Friday, April 26, 2013

What do I want?

What do I want these days?
Do I want to live in a world where my happiness is controlled by my weight?
Do I want to always be worried about what people think of me?
Do I want to always be worried that I will end up depressed and suicidal?
Do I want to look forward to the pain I inflict on myself?
Do I want to constantly look for reassurance from others?
Do I want to be obsessed with calorie burning?
Do I always want to be counting calories?
Do I want to keep counting the hours, minutes, seconds since the next time I can eat?
Do I want people to really know me? Is it worth knowing me? Am I a good friend?
What do I want to do with my life? What do I want out of life?

It's been months with out a scale. I feel fat, ugly, and tired most of the time.

I feel too tired to make friends. People I work with are nice sometimes and other times petty.
They are mostly all fat. Why do I include that here?

My emotions are like a roller coaster.

I ordered a scale. It will be delivered in a few days.

Husband is coming home tomorrow. He was gone for almost 3 weeks. It's up to me what we do on Sunday. I have no ideas... Not much to do here. I may see if he wants to go to the gym with me or running or something lie that. Then maybe a movie in the afternoon?

I do more online shopping now. I have been meaning to go to Victoria secret these past couple weeks but haven't felt good enough to go... Times almost up.

Love y'all.