Sunday, October 14, 2012

this will be short



friday was great. had a luna bar for breakfast and some veggies with a little bit of hummus for lunch. that was it! no dinner! total for friday: 230 maybe and i think that is still high

saturday was not as great.... husband made me breakfast! english muffin (a light one at least) with cheese, bacon (minus the icky total fat parts), and some guacamole. yummy... but probably like 300 calories. then we had barbecue for lunch maybe 400 calories and burger for dinner 400 calories. plus a beer! 120. total.... whopping 1220!! 

today.... banana bread for breakfast 200, leftover burger for lunch 300 (fewer toppings!) and hopefully something light for dinner. total so far... 500.

my weights... saturday morning! a lovely 113.4! I checked like 10 times! 
this afternoon at like 2pm ish.... 115.4! I know it was after breakfast and lunch but still.

i wont have a scale again until friday. at least it is 1.6 pounds less than last sunday!! Would have been nice to be 3.6 pounds less though... let's hope great things for friday!!

love you allll!!!!!!!
welcome new followers!!! ill check you out probs tomorrow!!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

get at me!

can you believe this is post 200?? crazy!

food is doing awesome today:
breakfast : peach chobani 140
snack : tiny apple 35
lunch : carrots, cherry tomatoes, and hummus 100
snack : come tortilla chips and guac : 200 (i know but still pretty low)
Total so far: 475

i am so tired today... dont even know why. i am going to try to do a total of 30 mins exercise today: crunches, pilates and yoga

love you all!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

my favorite show starts soon!

my favorite tv show is law and order svu and yes it is starting like now!!
its time for boots again!!!

intake not as great today... 
breakfast: pineapple greek yogurt : 160
snack: half banana : 45
lunch: carrots, grape tomatoes and hummus : 150
snack: some rice with carrots, tofu and soy beans : 200
dinner: salad, pierogies, pork : 450!! ahhhhh
total: 1050 :-(

should have taken a nap instead of snacking on that rice dish...

got lots done today though.... 
and i got my boots back from the cobbler! they look perfect :-)

ok svu on now!!!
love you all!! i will comment during commercials!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

et maintenant?

just took the hydrocodone/acetamenaphin combo from the dentist so soooon i will be falling asleep peacefully.
thanks for the comments girls! 

it didnt go great at the dentist but its over.... 

fooood:
breakfast: belvita (220)
dinner: attempted to eat some soup and crackers... maybe 100
    i got sick feeling again after a few spoonfuls and crackers...
    silver lining i suppose
total:: 320! saweet!!

im gonna go and comment now before i fall asleep! sorry if it doesnt make sense

love!!

good morning my lovelies!!

woke up this morning and my stomach is nice and flat today! made me happy. it had been all bloaty lately but i think now i am back to restricting it will stay nice and flat.

last night at dinner somehow i got a stomach ache like for real after i had finished eating my vegetables... i didn't even have to touch the risotto! i just waited for everyone to finish and went back up to my room! Instead of the 1200 calories probably on my plate... i only ate the peas and a couple bites of the pork! so maybe 200 calories tops. 

to all of you who binge/purge... here's a little real life pit fall... today i am going to the dentist to get a crown! yup only 23 and getting a crown. after years and years of purging and purging i definitely weakened my teeth and last week i was eating some pita chips and hummus and my tooth cracked! after work today its off to the dentist for 3 hours of misery. the only thing that isnt so bad is ill be taking a valium so im less anxious... i did however finally find a dentist i like! too bad he is here by parents and not by my actual house with my hubby! :-( ok enough pity me... please stop purging girls! 

food plan:
breakfast: coffee and half pack of belvita 130
snack: half banana 50
lunch: carrots, cherry tomatoes and hummus 125
snack: maybe greek yogurt but i will probably be too anxious to eat before the dentist
dinner: none - i will hopefully not be eating after the dentist just come home and sleep

love you girls!! have a wonderfully skinny day!!!






Monday, October 8, 2012

yogalates

yogalates is my new favorite past time :-) 




i have been pretty off and on with exercising lately... i should try harder to workout more often even if its just yoga or something. I will make that my goal for the next couple weeks! 

food stuffs today has been alright... better than last week and the week before.
breakfast: luna bar 180
snack: half banana 50
lunch: carrots, green beans and hummus 130
snack: pasta! ugh. small bowl with pesto 200
total so far: 560

my mom is making pork and risotto with mushrooms! so fatty and high cal!! I have to eat a small portion and not make it look like i am watching what i am eating. i used to be so good at this... let's see how i do. it's weird being back at the family house after being gone for so long...

unfortunately i cant weigh in while i am here unless everyone is gone which is like never.... so probably no weigh in until friday or saturday...

how often do you think about dying? about writing a note? about inflicting pain on yourself until its all you can think about? how many scars do you have? how many bruises? how many hidden blades? how many times have you had to wear that hoodie because you had to cover up some cut even though its burning up? 

i keep thinking about writing that note. for safe keeping just in case. 
i put a dent in the wall a couple weeks ago with my head... had a lovely bruise on my forehead for a few days... just thought maybe, just maybe, i wouldnt hear the voices in my head anymore. 

on my radio this week: modest mouse and bright eyes

love you all!!!


for realsies?

this post wouldnt post last night... also didnt save right but i dont feel like re-writing it...

ok so i know my posts seem to be sporadic but i do always seem to come back...

biggest news i guess would be that i took the gre and lsat and now i am applying to law schools!! kinda exciting! 
i also got my belly button pierced :-)
bad news... i am back to 117... blerg. i am having trouble not having easy access to a scale... back living with the parents until i finish out the semester


new stuff: took the gre and lsat. i am applying to law school! fun stuff!
     got my belly button pierced! super cute! 
     things are good with the hubby again
     did not sleep with that guy although i was wanting to
     back up to 117 ugh. i really cant live without a scale and still stay skinny
     back to self-harming... i dont know why but i do not like that word... but i cant saying cutting since i dont really cut any more.... no knife or blade... ive started using my fingernails. its less obvious but still effective. this time its on the back of my neck... have i mentioned my hair is like super long now! i have finally gotten it as long as i have always wanted! back to the "cutting"... it just seems to calm me down and let me forget about things. 

love you all!!




Friday, August 10, 2012

they just keep coming



i apologize in advance for the scatter brained post.
the weigh in: 111 :-) another goal!! 
today i am going shopping!! none of my clothes fit right anymore... my jeans are too loose, my skirts fall off, and my shirts are sooo baggy. i will update my measurements here in a minute. 
the guy i almost fooled around with the other day... he asked me what size i was when he noticed how baggy my clothes were and i honestly had no idea! 
i got asked out three times yesterday! by three different guys! i guess my hard work is paying off for something... 
the hubby and i decided to have an open relationship a couple days ago. we are already in a sort of threesome but now anyone is up for grabs. now i dont have to feel bad about fooling around with that guy i talked about before.
we know we are each others number one but we got married at 19 and we just dont want to have any regrets... we are 3 and a half years married :-)

yesterday the only thing i ate was a toaster struedel!! still haven't eaten either... i guess im fasting but i didnt even plan on it... 

studying for the lsat is going well except the strengthen/weaken questions.... those are hard.

my best friend is arriving today for the weekend! i cant wait! i will have to be careful and save my calories for some drinks!! doesn't take much these days :-) i was drunk off like one beer the other day haha i dont mind though :-) less calories!! 

love you all!!!
<3 b="b">

Sunday, August 5, 2012

hunger is confusing

hey girlies!
the weigh-in... 111.6 :-)

so i went out with the guy from two posts ago... nothing happened just hung out. 
not sure about if ill do that again... at least just the two of us. 
might go to the beach tomorrow with ppl from work tomorrow but i dunno... it depends on when.
my sisters are coming in from out of town! it will be a fun girls time! they will get here in the mid afternoon so i dunno about the beach...
im actually kind of worried about going to the beach... the whole swimsuit issue. my ribs totally stick out like its cool and even the ribs in my back... i dont really want any "youre too skinny your bones are sticking out" comments you know? with clothes on it looks fine but without... i just dont know what other people would say or think. 


ok but enough of that... the title of my post! yesterday i had like half of breakfast and then didnt eat again until like 2 in the morning... i had some noodles. i just wasn't really hungry. like my stomach was making noises and all but my head just wasn't hungry. does that ever happen to you? then today... it is 1:30 in the afternoon and i have had like a handful of sweet potato fries and i pretty much had to force myself to do that. eating is making me feel nausous... and i didnt even drink last night! 
love you girls!!
<3 b="b">







Saturday, August 4, 2012

twig







i got called a  twig today! felt kinda good suppose. but i still feel pretty gargantuan. the weigh-in brought me down to 112.8 only like a pound and a half until i reach that "underweight" bench mark. 
what people said about me at work today... (im a waitress)
5 yr kid: excuse me, excuse me... you are beautiful! 
random guy going to his table: sorry for staring, but i just think you are a beautiful woman
cook number 1: you are "fiiine" for a white girl 
cook number 2 (who i think is pretty damn hot (also covered in tattoos! yumm!!)): yeah you are fine for a white girl!
cook number 1 to cook number 3(the newbie) : don't you think she is fine?
cook number 3: you are beautiful
cook 2: but beautiful is different than fine
cook 3: no its not...
cook 1: yeah it is.


anyways... that was my day at work. the tips sucked but the compliments were nice. even if they were a little creepy from the random guy... guys with tattoos are just so smokin hot! 
oh cook number 2 has also told me many times that he is waiting for me (he is pretty sure my marriage wont last... which is pretty common around this military town) 
today he says he loves me. 
this guy is different from the one i was contemplating about yesterday... that one also has some sweet tattoos but he is not as smokin. 


todays food: some yogurt and cereal: 200
thats it... i went to work at 2:30 and got home at 10:00ish  
im about to down a huge glass of water, shower and watch some tv


love you alllll!!!!!
<3 b="b">

Friday, August 3, 2012

where does the time go sometimes?

hope you girls are all doing well!!!!!!!! i have missed you!! welcome back ascendancy!!! this post is going to be all over the place and random... please bear with me. my life is a little bit of a mess right now. well my brain is anyways




well i am still fluctuating around 113 (give or take half a pound each day...)
i am now studying to take the lsat in october! some formal logic for you gals:
if i eat i will get fat. if i am fat i will be unhappy. if i am happy then i am skinny. if i am skinny then i can wear those jeans that dont fit yet. if i can wear those jeans then i will be super hot. if i am super hot then all guys will want to be with me. so if i did not eat then all guys will want to be with me. 
i have started taking an lsat course so i can get a super awesome score and be a kickass lawyer. formal logic is the beginning of the course. and this is what i was thinking when doing my homework haha.


today i have eaten: 1/2 of a greek yogurt, some granola, a handful of chips, and a fiber one bar.
calories: 450
not so sure about my exercise... i might eat dinner later.... but for now i am sipping on a zero calorie monster... 


so i know you girls listen (and hopefully don't judge).... for the past couple weeks i have been coming so close to cheating on my hubby. i repeat... close. i have not done anything yet. 
sometimes i think i am like a sex addict or something. our schedules have been so opposite lately and i have been so horny. so i have almost been cheating on my hubby with this guy at work. 
i have cheated on him twice since we have been together sort of. first time with a drug dealer and second time with my best friend (yeah.. a girl). the second time i don't like to count since we have a threesome together and then he said it was ok to fool around with her while he was on deployment... weird understanding i know. he knows about all of it and our relationship is so strong!
now we have decided maybe we want to be swingers. we married young (three years and 3 months!) and want to have fun but still want to be with each other forever. (both of our ideas... he has never cheated). 
anyways.. i just wanted to get that off my chest and write it out so i can think about it more clearly. 
love you all!! 


<3 b="b">

Friday, July 13, 2012

a spoonful of sugar

i am undecided on my next tattoo... either dogwood flowers peeking over my other shoulder or a spoonful of a sugar a la Mary poppins (my favorite movie :-) ). i want to get some little scroll wrapped around the spoon handle but im not sure what to have on that yet... 


on weight notes... i am at 113 now! yesterday i ate my breakfast so slow that the granola in my greek yogurt got mushy and i couldnt finish it. then i didnt eat again until about 7 ish. we went out for mexican and i had a margarita about as big as my head! had to get some help on that! haha. anyways the food didnt sit so well... so i am down again today. :-) 2 pounds to my next goal!


well i am pretty tired... i need to take a nap... otherwise i will start eating. 
i dont work today since we are leaving this afternoon so i have the morning to get ready and i should have time for reading and commenting on your blogs :-)


love you girls!!!
<3

Thursday, July 12, 2012

family reunion

firstly... i am 114.4 thats another half pound gone. 
only 3.4 pounds from being underweight. these are my photos from when i was 110 in september 2011.





we leave tomorrow for the family reunion. i love our family reunions! and this is the second time the hubby has been able to make it!
i need to take pictures of our new house and puppy :-) since we are the first to get married... my grandparents have been giving us all of their stuff! they just moved and are getting rid of it all. its great! 


i work today and hopefully i will be making good money!! i live a military town and the first round got paid today! its always good tips on a pay day :-)


the not as good news... i scratched a pretty pretty decent spot on the back of my neck... looks like a burn so thats good. i have a good story... straightener. i hate that my hubbys job is so demanding sometimes. when i get home late from the restaurant... he's just too tired to have sex... today im working the day so hes got no excuses. oh that all sounds terrible. we just arent newly weds anymore i guess.


love you all!
<3

Monday, July 9, 2012

disappearing girl

thats what my hubby called me today when i got on the scale...
my disappearing girl... down another pound. is what he said.


im at 115 :-) another goal down! 

and still going strong... and get this... not even calorie counting! thats never happened. 
i just eat a healthy breakfast at like 9am and then eat dinner at like 8pm and then go to bed. i work all day and that keeps me away from eating. i probably have been around 800 cals today i think but i havent been counting like crazy like before. 


anyways i got to go.


love you all!!!
<3

Monday, July 2, 2012

Good evening ladies.


I really want to post a pick of my tattoo soon.... now its summer i get to show it off more :-) dali elephant on my back. 

the numbers just keep dropping. 


it is 8:45 and i have just been able to sit down today finally. i am pretty tired... but we have some couple friends coming over so i better wake up here... i might drink some monster rehab.... i love those! 


we are going to do a bon fire and grill out :-) i love grilling in the summer! 
4th of july is almost here! what are everyone's plans? my family is coming over and we are grilling, making smores in the fire pit and going somewhere for fireworks :-) 
its going to be a lot of fun! 


well i better get cutting up some zuchini for the grill and make sure the house is presentable... the hubby should be home soon with some fire wood :-)


love you ladies!!!
i feel like this is the one place i can just say whatever i want without any judgement. always feel relieved somehow after i post... weird right?
anyways
<3

Monday, June 25, 2012

wisteria lane

i love desperate housewives :-)


im at 117.2 now! 


i really think its this job thats doing wonders :-) making money and losing weight. got to love it


not too much to say really....


tired though... i closed last night and i open this morning. 


love yas <3

Friday, June 22, 2012

From my iPad... So formatting is weird. Depressed skinny mess... I can't find your blog for some reason... Can you put the link in a comment please? No gain no loss. I do welcome back the gap between my legs. Nothing touches. I've been doing lunges and leg lifts which are doing wonders :-) Well I've got to get ready for work soon so I better get going. <3

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

exhausted

i am sooo tired! 
my puppy got spayed yesterday and was up all night... all she wanted to do was jump up on the bed. poor thing isn't allowed for a while. she was whining all night. felt bad for her but man i am soooo tired now! let's hope we sleep better tonight. 


thanks for the idea linny. i'll check that show out. yeah waitressing is good and i think you are right about the whole not sitting down and constantly on the move thing. haven't lost anymore because the in-laws were visiting and are food pushers... but at least im not gaining. oh and i love the money! 


well hubby is going to be home soon and i want to comment and read a few blogs.


love yas!
<3

Friday, June 15, 2012

Just a quick one with random updates


  1. kinda into cutting again... ugh. two new scars and a couple smaller ones
  2. need a hair cut bad! but since we moved havent found anyone
  3. feeling bi-polar lately! yesterday i felt like i was going crazy!! i was all giggles and super fidgety and happy and then like an hour or so later i was crying like the world was going to end. my moods are all messed up lately...
  4. finished watching every episode of law and order svu on netflix! started watching lost yesterday but for some reason it just made me super anxious... the anticipation was making me crazy. i just dont get it lately.
  5. i think today i will steer clear of lost... not sure what to watch. anyone have netflix and ideas? we dont do cable because it is crazy expensive.... 
love you all!! 
<3

Sporadic Posts... Kinda explains life

Well girls.... Life is pretty different now I suppose.


I have lost like 4 pounds in the past two weeks without trying. always makes me happy although confused. the weight is 118.6


I started a new job... I am waitressing now. It's pretty good. Old people seem to love me haha and people with kids. i like it though. pretty good hours. i never go in before like 11! 
and i never eat there which means at least one meal gets skipped


havent been back home in over a month! its weird... 


the dali elephant on my back is getting lonely haha i am thinking of getting another tattoo but dont know what.... i want the theme to be mary poppins since its my favorite movie of all time! 


P90X was fun for a few weeks but i guess i sorta gave up on it... not intentionally or anything just sorta happened. i just do like core exercises and lunges lately since i am on my feet all day at work i dont want to run as much. 


i feel like this post is sorta bland... sorry girls! im in a weird mood i think. 
anyways... grilling tonight! yay!! I already cut up a huge zuchini from the neighbors and i want to figure out how to grill peaches... anyone know how? we have a charcoal grill.... maybe i'll pick up some skewers on my way home... 


anyways. love you all!!!
hope your summers are going spectacularly!!!!!
<3

Thursday, April 5, 2012

have a good holiday weekend girlies!!



i wont be able to post probably over the weekend.


did not sleep well last night. no idea why. kept waking up. weird dreams again. all i remember is running and falling and hiding in the bushes. with that kid shia lebeouf chasing me on a bike. 


listening to: devil makes three :-) 
like in love with them lately... check out: Aces and Twos or Do Wrong Right... they are all good though. awesome tattoos too :-)


ok well i am so tired but got to get this day started! 
todays planned intake: diet cherry pepsi and then dinner with chicken
hopefully i will stay under 500 today. hubby has gone crazy food nut on me so i dont think it should be too much of an issue. he is doing that p90x thing. 
love you all!!
<3

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

just a quickie

today has been crazy busy and i am exhausted!!
so happy i dont have classes tomorrow! just got to pack up the last few things at the apartment and then clean up some and then i am off to see the hubby in our brand new house!! we bought a house!! it is just amazing :-) i love it!


food issues today: ate a god damn muffin. awful. 400 calories!!
lunch was a fiber one bar and a couple slices of deli chicken - 200
and then dinner was a tuna sandwich and small salad - 300
then i had a tiny bowl of ice cream! awful! 120
so i went just over 1000.... could have done better.
we had a field trip in my one class today though and we stopped at krispy kreme. no doughnuts for me thank you very much!! the only good food choice all day probably.


anyways... exercised a bunch. about 500 calories. i guess it isnt my usual but its better than lately.


well i am going to go to bed here soon and then wake up and get this stuff done tomorrow and head out to the house! it is like only 15 minutes from the beach! :-) 


ok girls! talk soon!!!


<3

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

drunk?

does anyone else feel drunk from not eating? i felt in a weird daze like drunk almost most of the day. sort of nice. but odd. surreal actually.


while i was away i got another tattoo! it is beautiful! its a salvador dali elephant on my right shoulder/back area. about the size of my hand if i spread all my fingers out. maybe a little bigger. it is amazing. they are addicting though!! 
hubby has two half sleeves now in addition to the others. 
ok going to sleep now! i will try to comment tomorrow!
love you all!!!
<3
p.s.- for some reason i cant access the little thing where i record my weight... ill figure it out later

A beautiful tuesday!

hey ladies!!


how long has it been? are you all still here?
how do i have 101 followers even though i have neglected this blog so badly?


weight issues suck. i am no longer an inspiration for anyone.
117 for my hubby's homecoming. that was pretty good.
then of course it was seeing friends and family and celebrating and the whole nine yards and i just ate like mother fucker. great times though. so happy to have my hubby home!!
i swear he has developped an eating disorder too over this last year...
anyways we have a sort of bet going on right now... who can have the hottest beach bod by july 1st!
so i am trying to be awesome and do well this time. by well i mean get back to at least 115. i was 122.4 on sunday. the hubby is restricting my scale use again... only once a week. he tried to keep it to once a month! i think i would go crazy.
today's damage...
cereal and skim milk: 165
half a sandwich and 3 cheese curls: 160


I did a work out before lunch so that was maybe -200?


i am proud of myself though. i made a whole sandwich and small bowl of the cheese curls (to test my will power...) and i ate half the sandwich and only 3 cheese curls! it is like a huge feat these days!!


to skinnyness!!!!
love!
<3

Saturday, February 4, 2012

slutty brownies



I will update it if it changes... but the weight this morning is 118.8. A loss is a loss I suppose. The reason for such a tiny loss? I am not too sure really... I think lack of sleep maybe.
Last night was fun though. My best friend came over and then my other best friend got on Skype and they helped me pick out a super hot and sexy outfit for my hubby's homecoming on sunday!! it's been on the news so i can talk about it now! yay! I look damn good in it I have to say! It's this gray cotton dress with a super plunging neckline! Then I have like 4.5 inch heels and I got this new bra from victoria secret yesterday that makes my 32Bs look like 32Cs at least! and it actually gives me cleavage! Super awesome!  
Anyways... after trying on a million outfits.... we went out for a drink and then came back and started making goody bags for my hubby and his two friends we are driving here too. we made these brownies called "slutty brownies" haha. they are made in a 9x9 pan and then you do a layer of cookie dough, then a layer of oreos, then pour brownie batter on top! we each tried like a crumb of it and then cut it up and put them in cupcake things. 
they have been gone for 10 and a half months! and these twos guys.... well their families can't make it. so sad for them. 
food wise though i did pretty good yesterday. i had cereal (185) with almond milk (25) then I had 4 bites of a grilled pork chop (45) and a 1/3 cup rice (65) then for dinner I had some mexican nachos but just the chicken, beans, lettuce and a couple chips (200), oh then a glass of wine (100) with a few bites of creme brûlée (75) and the crumb of the sluttly brownie (45).
Total: 740
Exercise: about 700
 
Bust: 33.5
Waist: 23.5
Hips: 31.75 (-0.25)
Butt: 35
Thighs: 20.5 at top, 19 in the middle, 15.5 right above knee (-0.5 above knee)
Calves: 13.5 at widest point... (-0.25)



Ok I feel like post is going on for too long. Yesterday was a busy day. I got up at 6:45 and then didn't flu asleep until 3am. Then I just got up today at 7:00am haha I just can't sleep! It's good though!!!!!!


Love you all!!!
<3

Friday, February 3, 2012

title...

Today's weight is probably a little off. It is 119 but since I hardly ate all day and then had dinner at like 9pm.... It may change later today. That usually happens for me.
Total Intake yesterday: about 600
Total Out take: somewhere around 700
So I was negative over the course of the day.... just odd hours I suppose. Didn't binge either...


The facts say I should be super happy. I feel like I am in a sort of daze. Is it really only two more days? How did I get through it without any breakdowns? How did I get through it with only a few days of crying? In ten and a half months? I have no idea.


But it's here. it is here!! 


Test at 10:00am. Then I get my nails filled in at noon. Then I am going to victoria secret to get some cute under things! :-) Then I need to make the apartment look good and then I need to pack! I leave tomorrow and then the hubby will be back with me next time i'm here! it is crazy to think about! 


I should be studying for the test.... but I feel good about it. It had been stressing me out earlier but then i went to office hours and that helped. Should be pretty quick. I hope.


Ok I will probe be searching for thinspo sometime today... 


love you all!!!!!
thanks for all of the super comments!!! 
I will re-edit and add names in here later
got to shower and get ready for the day
<3

Thursday, February 2, 2012

What a lovely spring day in february





It is gorgeous outside. What a wonderful way to wake up. 
I took the dog for a walk. Couldn't believe it is like 60 already at 7am!


Anyways. I am 119!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes that IS a lot of exclamation points!!! :-)


Only three more "wake-ups" !!!!


No bad dream. I dreamt that I got into a fight in the library and won! I had some super kick ass moves too. 


Everything seems to drag on forever and it all seems to blend in at the same time. My mind is a million places all the time. I can't wait for the hubby to be here and then everything will be great! 


Not much else to say... Long day. But thats good. It keeps me away from food and keeps me busy.


Love you all and love your comments!!
stay strong and motivated!!
<3

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Water is key!





Water is my new best friend. I had been avoiding it a little lately because I was trying to eliminate water weight... my new plan: drink a ton of water! 
Water: why it's good::

  1. It will clear up your skin
  2. It will fill you up
  3. Take a sip before each bite of food and you will eat less. It gets annoying and if you make yourself do this then not only will you feel fuller, but you won't want to eat because it is annoying
  4. Speeds up your metabolism
  5. Drink green tea a few times a day and you will go through the water faster while still taking it in
  6. Just do not go heavy on the salt! Salt will make you retain the water. Keep salt out and you won't get the water weight.
Intake: about 700
Out take: about 700

I was 120.2 when I woke up. I was 120.2 right before dinner. (After lots of water though out the day and some food)
I am hoping to be under 120 tomorrow! It should work out great!
Sleeping pill in about an hour. Then sleepy time.
Hopefully a more restful sleep...

Love you all!!!!!
<3

I hate sleep....

Woke with a start in the middle of the night. Woke up with the feeling that bugs were crawling on me and I opened my eyes and there were huge killer ants all throughout my bed. Fourth scariest wake up ever. Why does this happen? At least I didn't jump out of bed trying to rip my hair out this time. There has got to be a reason for it right?


Anyways... Weigh-in is 120.2 still. I kind of expected that. Well I expected to gain really.... I had an ice cream sandwich yesterday! and Goldfish! 


Today is a long day. I leave around 7:30 and get back around 6:45. Keeps me away from food. My packed food will be: a granola for breakfast (110), apple for snack (60), protein shake for lunch (160) and then a special K thing for second snack (100). I may or may not eat it all. I may take a nap in my car instead of the second snack... I have two breaks but not long enough to go home really...


I feel so tired and anxious and excited and nervous. Weird combination. 


Started using the Jergens self-tanning lotion a few days ago. I have a nice glow now, not fake either. I have been whitening my teeth and they are getting pearly white. Still contemplating what to wear to the hubby's homecoming.... I got this grey dress with a nice plunging neckline but I am just not too sure about it. Maybe a skirt, top and heels... I have got to look hot!


Spent a couple hours reading different blogs and things last night after I woke up:

  1. Drinking a glass of cold water with lemon juice in the morning when you wake up can boost your metabolism up to 15%
  2. Got a craving? Suck on an ice cube until you don't any more
  3. Don't eat an apple all at once. Cut it up and eat a 1/4 or a 1/2 and then save the rest for another snack
  4. Water, water, water
Love you all!!!! 
<3

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

you're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black




listened to that bright eyes song a few days ago. i want to look skinny like a model...


I AM 120.2!!!! Only 0.2 from that first goal!!! Yay!!! 


OMG!! I am having trouble sitting still now and forget about sleep.... i'm all jittery and i just can't do anything about it. (in regards to hubby coming home!)


odd note: somehow my ribs show and my hipbones too... how does that happen when i am this fat? 
Bust: 33.5 (down 0.5)
Waist: 23.75 (down 0.25)
Hips: 32 (no change)
Butt: 35 (down 1.5!!)
Thighs: 20.5 at top, 19.25 in the middle, 16 right above knee (down 1.0 on top and 0.25 in middle)
Calves: 14 at widest point... (no change)


3.5 inches for 3 pounds lost.... Is that normal? 


My tiniest waist was 22 inches. I want that back :-)
Ok enough for now... 


Love you allll!!!!!!
<3

Monday, January 30, 2012

Good morning miss motivation!




Lately it has been tough keeping motivation more than a day or two! let's keep it going!
Weigh-in this morning: 121 even. 
I am continuing the weigh-in game sort of... i have school here soon... got to leave in like 10 minutes. so i will weigh-in when i get home and then every few hours. I am still super motivated and determined!!!
i have made a big pot of coffee for the morning at school and i will bring a protein shake for lunch (160) and an apple for breakfast (60). But those are only if I start shaking or something. I am truly not hungry... well the stomach says i am but my brain says no.
6 days!!!! ahhhh!!! It is just so freaking exciting!!!!
If I lose a pound a day: I will be 116. Pretty nice. I was 118 when he left... 
ok ladies! enough rambling!
Let's have a super wonderful spectacular motivating day!!!!
<3

Sunday, January 29, 2012

ok girlies. i am determined.

not sure on my weight for the moment. but i am determined to drop a few pounds by sunday. what do you girls think is the most i can lose? 


my big losses: 15 pounds in 4 weeks last august
                        14 pounds in 3 weeks 5 years ago


I want to make a new record. 5 pounds in 6 days? Think I can do it? 


Last night was interesting. Got drunk with my sisters. Fun times. Lots of drinking and dancing. The bad part: in-laws made me go to mexican for lunch yesterday. 
Anyways... i didn't start feeling the hangover until about 2 hours ago. I spent all morning being super productive. I finished one big assignment, then homework in three other classes. Then about 2 hours ago i starting shaking uncontrollably.... kinda weird. i'm still a little shaky but its better.
while lying in bed feeling like shit i realized a few things:

  1. I DO NOT WANT TO BE FAT WHEN THE HUBBY RETURNS
  2. I AM NEVER GOING TO BEAT THIS DISORDER OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT
  3. I HAVE THE MOST STRANGEST DREAMS EVER
  4. I CAN HAVE WLL POWER WHEN I WANT TO
  5. I NEED WILL POWER NOW
So I WILL lose as many pounds and inches as possible. I deleted all of the photos of me at 110 but i printed one out. it is hard to believe i got to 110 and couldn't touch my thighs together unless i crossed them. so i am determined to get to 110 again and i will be there as soon as is humanly possible.

ever play the weigh-in game? it goes like this: weigh yourself. then keep weighing yourself every hour or so until you see the number you want. that is how i got to 110 and it is how i will get there again. 
when i was at 113 i told myself i wouldn't put anything in me until i saw 110 on the scale. it worked.
ok so i have weighed myself just now: 122.4 at 5:53. Not food or drink until I see 121. Then I can have a glass of water.
We will see how it goes. I am in crazy weight loss mode now. 

Love you all!!! Time to comment! I am feeling super motivated!
<3


p.s. - last night's crazy dream: i was walking in some airport and saw russell brand who had a boy friend and the boyfriend was pregnant! then russell tells his pregnant boyfriend to go hit on some 40 year old guy to freak him out. it was hilarious! where do i come up with these things?

Friday, January 27, 2012

Get Organized!

I always feel better when I am organized. I sleep better even with less sleep. My head is clearer. I am more focused. 
I only had 5 hours of sleep last night but i feel incredibly rested and i think its because i spent all night organizing and getting stuff done. 


i don't remember any dreams either. which is a blessing sometimes.


today's weight: 120.8! (which i am happy about because i made it below 121)


I really want to be 118 when the hubby comes home. It is do able. So since sunday i lost 3.6 pounds. If I lose another 3.6 I would be 117.2... wouldn't that be nice :-)


My intakes have been under 1000 each day. No heavy exercise. Just walking and crunches.


I have a lot to do this weekend to get ready for his homecoming! Last weekend before he is here! It is hard to believe sometimes!!


Ok well I have to go to class now... linear algebra... i hate matrices! and professors with heavy accents!!


love you all!!!!
i hope and plan to read and comment you girlies tonight!


<3

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Some Thinspo...

Been watching a lot of burn notice! love gabrielle anwar!!!! so skinny and so bad ass!!













Evening lovelies!

Another day down.
Still 121. Yesterday was 121.8. today is 121.2.
Let's hope for 120 tomorrow!!!


I wish I could just make the time go faster! Time is really a frustrating constraint... 


At least the weather is being nice. Sunny and in the 60s. Quite lovely. 


I really should be doing my french homework... i have to write about my family. shouldn't be too hard. just got to actually make myself do it... i will probably do it tomorrow morning. 


wish i had the motivation and will power to eat less but gosh i just dont. 
Today:
Breakfast: banana : 70
Snack: granola bar: 110
Lunch: protein shake: 160
Snack: apple and crackers: 180
Dinner: pork chop, salad and potatoes: 260
TOTAL: 780
Walked around campus all day in heels... And sat through lectures. Oh and toured this charter school for one of my classes.... weird. interesting but weird. felt like the kids were all part of some experiment. 


guess its not much of a positive post but i am just too tired. and i am trying to make the time go by.... writing helps.
last night's dream: i was living in france and it flooded so i had to rescue everyone from the human eating crocodiles before the ryan gosling movie started at the movie theater. quite strange... but any dream with ryan gosling is a good one!


happy days are around the corner!!!
thinspo searching now!!
<3
love you all

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Hey ladies!!

I'm not going to lie... My time on here will probably be pretty sporadic for quite some time. I am still at 121. 


School is crazy busy. I am taking 18 credits divided up into 7 classes! It's a lot but its my last semester of classes so its all good and almost over.


the hubby comes home reallllly soon. less than two weeks. i keep getting waves of utter excitement and then utter depression. its quite odd. im not like manic depressive usually but its been like that the past two weeks now. like one minute i will be on top of the world and cant stop smiling and just itching to like burst! and then the next minute i will be like so depressed thinking i might start cutting again. it is a strange feeling indeed! oh it has also got my head acting weird sometimes too. i fell asleep in the doctor's office yesterday! i had gone in friday for a TB shot thing and then my follow up was yesterday and i fell asleep in the chair in the little room. i seem to get very tired sometimes and just fall asleep. 
at nights i have been taking some pills to make me dreamy and sleepy.


oh did i tell you about the dream i had where i was kidnapped by the kgb and was forced to watch people i knew get murdered? that was freaky.


doing my own version of the special k challenge. its like sort of the same but i make sure that my cal intake is like a lot less... it just gives me a structure i suppose. makes me eat regularly so i dont over eat. its working. i was back up to 124 on sunday and i am 121 again now. just goes to show how quick the not eating thing works sometimes. that crazy gym going me was not working.... this is easier. just dont eat. simple. im at about 700 cals now and incredibly full. 


tomorrow i have school from 8 until 6:15! its long but keeps me busy! i wish the time would go faster so the hubby can be home and my emotions can go back to normal!!


love you all so much!!!!
<3

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Stupid, Stupid

Did not step on the scale today. Had a little binge yesterday... well not like a real binge... I ate normal and so that made me mad and so i took my laxative tea and then another cup. I was up all night with it so I am exhausted today. Good thing classes don't start till 1:30 today. 
Anyway... so I am too tired to work out at the gym. I am working on cleaning the house instead and taking the dog for a few short walks this morning. I did burn a lot of calories at the gym (over 700) but with the calories I ate (probably like 2000... I really don't know and counting it will just get me down....) its no where near enough to lose today so hopefully today will be better.


So school starts at 1:30 and then I volunteer from 4:20 until 6. My sisters are coming over for dinner tonight. I am making this thin crust pizza I think... It's like a healthy kind of pizza but tastes great. So that's around 7 or 7:30...


It will be a good day and I am determined! I will half of the serving size of the pizza (1/3 of the pizza is 300 calories... so If I eat a 1/6 size slice then thats just 150 :-) Then add a salad... It will be a good dinner.


Sorry today is not all motivating and cheerful... I think the house not being clean was stressing me out and so once its clean everything should be better :-)


Love you all!!!!
<3

Monday, January 9, 2012

School Starts

I finally got some progress. 121 even. So 0.2 down. I am just happy to see some progress even if it is tiny. 


Today is the first day of spring classes. And I only have class today from 8:05-11:05. Its early but then I am done early too which is nice. 


So after class I will come home and take care of the dog, change and go to the gym. I also was planning on going to the grocery store sometime today. I am running out of cereal and soy milk. I also want a more low cal cereal... 


Not much else is new... The game was good last night! My school won which is good! But my cousin's team lost... it was so fun though to be so close to the court and then get to go back in the stadium and see him after the game! I'm so proud! 


Well it is 6:40 am and I am exhausted! I need to drink some coffee and wake up. I really just want to go back to sleep...


Love you all!!!
<3

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Morning morning!

Weigh - in: still 121.4! Oh well. I didn't go to the gym yesterday because I was just too busy and couldn't find enough time. So staying 121.4 is actually good. 
My in-laws puppy is soooo cute!!!!! 
I decided yesterday that I needed to give my muscles a little break. 
Back to the gym today though!


The Numbers:
Breakfast: cereal and soy milk : 170
Lunch: maybe a chicken salad : 120
Dinner: could be none... maybe a beer? 150?
Exercise: -770
Potential total: -330


I am going to my first school game today! crazy... i am a senior and haven't made it to one! And we have a good team supposedly... the real reason im going? My cousin plays on the other team! It will be so fun though! I'm looking forward to it! 


Thank you ladies for all of your comments on the last post!! I don't have time now but this afternoon before the game I should be able to read and comment your blogs! 


Ok I need to go drink a huge glass of water!!! My head is getting loopy.


Love you all!!!
<3