Sunday, April 6, 2014

New Stuff

So I am now dating three people... and everyone still knows about each other. its pretty cool.

I also tried heroin and cocaine since I last posted. both good experiences :-)

different experiences but both good. and the coke totally made me not hungry.... like i made dinner for me and one of the girls im dating and i took two bites and was like i just dont feel like eating and was sooo not hungry. i went like 12 hours without food during the day... like thats normal when most of the time is spent sleeping but i was awake the whole time.
i still have a good amount left too so ill do that again! tastes all chemically though. i kept getting the taste in my mouth and then when i would kiss her she would be like you taste all cokey haha

so i totally dont hide that i date girls when i am out... like i wouldnt flaunt it in front of my family cuz they dont know but ill totally hold hands and make out in public.

food stuff is going ok. havent puked since that pizza. and i have been doing normal exersizing amounts.

i went to my doctor the other day and she upped my zoloft script and then wrote me one for valium to help me sleep at night. i am surrounded in drugs haha like i have heroin, coke, valium and percocet in my house right now. never had this many drugs in my house before.

im 124 right now and 5'5''. its mostly muscle. i keep getting compliments on my muscles.

love you all!! <3 p="">

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Plan

So my friend H and I have decided to start a fitness plan.
The plan has us run every other day or more and strengthening on the other days. Abs and core workouts are added to running days. It also makes sure we eat fruit and veggies everyday, drink lots of water and include at least 1 protein each day.

We are both going to be pescatarians and eat organic if possible. We both have histories of eating disorders and so we are trying to make sure each other stays healthy.

Today is abs and glutes. I am also about to take my dog for a short hike. it is gorgeous outside!!! and he will be so happy!! the only sad thing for him is i have been putting the muzzle on him because he has been a little agressive towards other dogs lately. he is a rescue and has some issues. he is totally a cuddle bug and thinks he is a big lap dog and loves people... but he has issues with other dogs... i still love him

i was going to go to the grocery store... but i am going to be at my boyfriend's house for the whole weekend starting tomorrow so there really isnt any point... plus it keeps food out of my apartment.

going to dinner tonight at a sushi place with my sisters. should be fun.

talk soon!!
<3 p="">

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

What do I think?

I went to the gym again at lunch. my annoying co-worker thinks we are friends now... had meetings all day together and then we ended up at the gym at the same time. she drives me nuts.
but my ideas are looking great on paper and i suppose she did help with that. i like being the creative part of the team instead of only the numbers girl. although tomorrow is the numbers stuff.

i finished watching lie to me yesterday. it was so good. i wish they had made more seasons. netflix is the best. now i am watching house of cards. some people drink or do drugs to unwind... I watch tv or play video games.

i have stopped eating snacks at my apartment. i do indulge in some ice cream at night... but compared to how i had been it is much better.

due to the back to back meetings today i missed lunch. i know i shouldnt be happy abut that but i sorta am. i think it is just part of me.

so about my love life....
i have a boyfriend who i love. and a girl who i am totally attracted to and fuck about every wednesday. we do yoga, then have dinner, and then we usually fuck. she also has a boyfriend. and everyone knows about everyone.
i am definitely bi. i love sucking dick and i love licking pussy. thats probably tmi but whatever. this is my blog and i dnt think any of my 125 followers actually still follow me. it seems people make these accounts and then leave them. i keep coming back though. cant believe i have had this thing since 2010!! seems like forever. i had a xanga before this but my parents made me delete it completely after i was admitted to that mental institution. sometimes i try and go back and find it. i logged everything.... every calorie in and out.

im not as crazy as i was.... im different. i started just not eating. then i didnt eat and worked out like crazy. then i purged everything. now i try to be healthier... but i still fall into those old ways sometimes. i still purge every now and again. i still restrict sometimes. i make sure never to be in the clean plate club. i feel happy when i dont finish food.

my boyfriend is a lot older than me.... he is 12 years older. i mean thats not too bad. i cant stand young boys. guys in their 20s are so immature and annoying. my girl is 5 years older.
as immature as i can be about food stuff.... the rest of me is pretty much an old soul.

my fridge looks full but really most of it is bad and should be thrown out. maybe i will do that tomorrow.... i havent gone food shopping in like 10 days. i just am eating whats there. i think i still have probably another weeks worth of food or more. i ran out of milk on saturday.... but its ok cuz i am just drinking black coffee. better anyways.

ok enough rambling.
<3 p="">

Saturday, March 15, 2014

when was the last time?

hey all....

so i know its been forever and i have no intention of playing catch up.

im at 125. which in my head i feel is a disgustingly gross and fat weight to be at. in my head i wont be happy with my body until i am 110 or under. yet somehow lately i just havent been able to stop eating. i eat and eat and sometimes i purge. and i know how bad purging is but sometimes it feels so good.
sometimes i want to feel how bad my throat feels afterwards. i enjoy the pain knowing that it helped me to stay a little skinnier. i have such a sick mind about these things sometimes. why do i enjoy the pain? why do i obsess over things?

most of the time i dont eat cuz im hungry. i eat cuz i cant help myself. i compulsively eat. like how i used to compulsively not eat. what is wrong with me? at the same time i obsessively exersize. i exersize with every moment i get.... whether it is at work, as i watch my favorite tv shows, the minute i wake up, right before i go to bed.... i even sometimes make myself walk or jog in place in the bathroom before i let myself pee. then once i start a behavior like that i cant stop.
if i tell myself to burn 5 calories everytime i go to the bathroom, then it becomes smething i cant stop. i compulsively must burn those 5 calories or something truly awful will happen.
people tell me i am not fat. i am tight and toned they say. i am fit they say. and it is true that i have muscles. hell i cant stop working out.... of course the muscles show up. i make sure i burn 200 calories before breakfast. then i have to burn 200 more before lunch. blah blah blah.

but somehow this just isnt good enough cuz i am huuuuge. i want to be back to 100 lbs. i loved the way people told me i looked like a victoria secret model when i was 109. the way my hips showed and there was a gap betwen my skin and underwear. i loved the way you could see my abs. and the way my thighs didnt touch.

writing this is like writing porn.... it gets me off. how bad is that?

i tried looking for ED support groups in my area..... not ne single free one. and im not about to fork out 60 bucks for a group session.... so that is why i am back. i need to figure out what will truly make me happy.

i have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. i see the boy on weekends mostly and the girl during the week. they know about each other and all is great in that department. the girl also struggles with eating disorder issues. we are trying to help each other out. like to be healthier...
she is putting a plan together for us to start on wednesday. but like i said... i need to figure out what will make me happy.
im much hornier when i am skinnier.... and i like being horny.

its been quite a ramble but it feels good to get this out of my head!! and writing this has kept me away from food for a little while.
please comment. love everyone!
<3 p="">