so i know its been forever and i have no intention of playing catch up.
im at 125. which in my head i feel is a disgustingly gross and fat weight to be at. in my head i wont be happy with my body until i am 110 or under. yet somehow lately i just havent been able to stop eating. i eat and eat and sometimes i purge. and i know how bad purging is but sometimes it feels so good.
sometimes i want to feel how bad my throat feels afterwards. i enjoy the pain knowing that it helped me to stay a little skinnier. i have such a sick mind about these things sometimes. why do i enjoy the pain? why do i obsess over things?
most of the time i dont eat cuz im hungry. i eat cuz i cant help myself. i compulsively eat. like how i used to compulsively not eat. what is wrong with me? at the same time i obsessively exersize. i exersize with every moment i get.... whether it is at work, as i watch my favorite tv shows, the minute i wake up, right before i go to bed.... i even sometimes make myself walk or jog in place in the bathroom before i let myself pee. then once i start a behavior like that i cant stop.
if i tell myself to burn 5 calories everytime i go to the bathroom, then it becomes smething i cant stop. i compulsively must burn those 5 calories or something truly awful will happen.
people tell me i am not fat. i am tight and toned they say. i am fit they say. and it is true that i have muscles. hell i cant stop working out.... of course the muscles show up. i make sure i burn 200 calories before breakfast. then i have to burn 200 more before lunch. blah blah blah.
but somehow this just isnt good enough cuz i am huuuuge. i want to be back to 100 lbs. i loved the way people told me i looked like a victoria secret model when i was 109. the way my hips showed and there was a gap betwen my skin and underwear. i loved the way you could see my abs. and the way my thighs didnt touch.
writing this is like writing porn.... it gets me off. how bad is that?
i tried looking for ED support groups in my area..... not ne single free one. and im not about to fork out 60 bucks for a group session.... so that is why i am back. i need to figure out what will truly make me happy.
i have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. i see the boy on weekends mostly and the girl during the week. they know about each other and all is great in that department. the girl also struggles with eating disorder issues. we are trying to help each other out. like to be healthier...
she is putting a plan together for us to start on wednesday. but like i said... i need to figure out what will make me happy.
im much hornier when i am skinnier.... and i like being horny.
its been quite a ramble but it feels good to get this out of my head!! and writing this has kept me away from food for a little while.
please comment. love everyone!