Still no progress...

Just got back from the gym and showered.
Yesterday I made cookies all day and only had two little ones and one was a merengue so no fat...
The trip up north was great!! It even snowed!!!
I have read two books: slauterhouse five and diary (chuck palahniuk) now I am reading the girl with the dragon tattoo.
Meeting up with a friend for coffee soon. Lunch was a fiber one bar. Dinner will be steamed green beans and chicken.
Not much new... Just staying fat.
Love you all and welcome newbies!! Thinspo later maybe if I get my computer...
<3

Great weekend ahead!

Lots of exercise and not too much food!! Good day!
Probably won't post again till Monday...
Bought cashmere hat and gloves that are so cute!! The gloves are wool... Warmer. Looking forward to the Cold up north!!
Exercising in the morning burns fat. Any other time most likely burns carbs... Also morning exercise helps raise metabolism all day!!
Love! <3

Wedding inspiration

So any of you who have been following me since last year.... My wedding was about a year ago. I was 114 and I was just looking through pics and you can see bones everywhere!! Gorgeous bones!! Really inspired me.
Also watched a bill Cunningham documentary yesterday. Good.
Biked for an hour straight this morning at the gym and I will do it again tomorrow! Not weighing in until Thursday. Let's hope for a good loss.
Going up north on Thursday!! Bring me snow!!
Anyone seen a show called shameless? Hubby is trying to get me into it.... I watched the first one. Pretty good....
Sorry for randomness...
Love you all!!
<3

BLERG

Ok ladies I am back and I need your help!! 
I am up to 122.4! It is awful. I got all the way up to 125! I cant stand wearing clothes and I avoid going out because I am so disgusting now! If I do go out... I wear anything that makes me look skinnier than I am. My jeans miss me and it is getting cold now so i miss them too. 
I told myself once I got at least down to 120 I would come on here but I cant get there.... I have been trying for the past 3 weeks and I have only gotten as far as 122.4! I really need your help and motivation to get down to 115 or less by February.... when my hubby finally comes home!
I just got a box from him and he had bought me this gorgeous top from TopShop and he bought a size 6 (which is a US size 2) and it fits but then he also sent me 3 Vogue magazines: Spain, Russia and Paris! And I just felt like such a disappointment. he remembers me as this super fashionable skinny wife and here i am not even close.... 
So then I decided to look at old photos of me and it helped me to realize how much i need to get back to where I was. stop gorging myself with food and really focus. the one thing I cannot do is purge. My teeth lost a bunch of enamel and you can definitely tell if you look at them... its not good. I am whitening them and they are looking better. but i cannot make them worse! 
So I need to LOSE AT LEAST 7.4 POUNDS!! By february. 
My plans::
Dye my hair tomorrow! I am dying it like a chocolate brown color and am super excited! It will be like giving me a fresh start.
I work today from 12-6 So I cannot eat during that time. 
I gave up coffee like almost 2 weeks ago now. I am drinking tea instead... I don't really know if it is better... but it doesn't give me bad coffee breath or anything.


NEW RULES: I will add a rule on top of this every week until I get to my goal.
No eating after 8pm and before 8am.
Must exercise the amount of calories I eat or more.
Must go to the gym at least 3 times a week.
Must read vogue everyday or some fashion magazine (online or off line)
Read at least 5 blogs everyday :-) I will probs read more to keep busy and distracted.


I love you all!!!! Please comment and put your blog thing so I can follow if I don't already! I need you all to help me keep busy!!!! 
muah! <3

I ate normal yesterday so I am back to 118.2... Today will be better though. At least it is a net loss over the week. 
I really don't have much to say today... So I will just randomly ramble.
 I am not really exercising too heavily because when I lose I do not want to have huge muscles. I want to be dainty and fragile and all. 
I really love to read. And I love to read almost anything.... I am reading Slaughter House Blues right now for my anthropology class and it is kinda gross at sometimes but interesting too. Put me off beef. And pork. I am still eating chicken but thats it. 
I hope to get back into Brave New World when I finish that book. Then maybe the last Harry Potter finally. Then Diary by Chuck Palahniuk. Then Everything is Illuminated. Then after that I am not too sure. 
I want to learn another language. I may start getting back into Russian. I took that for a year when I lived in France. I still remember the alphabet and a couple words and phrases. Chinese would be cool but it would take a lot of time to learn a whole new alphabet and well I am not sure they have one? 
I am determined to get back to my 4.0 GPA. It is a 3.971 right now.... 
I am obsessed with the show Bones right now. It is kind of gross but somehow I kinda like it. Weird. It's Zoey Deschanel's sister in it, Emily Deschanel. And I love Zoey Deschanel. Her new show is pretty good but I think she could do better.
I drempt of snow last night. I was in a convertible with the top down and it was snowing. No one was driving and I was sitting in the back... It was lovely. Oh and it was at night so there were stars in the sky too. I could feel the coldness of the snowflakes falling on my cheeks and it made me happy. 
Ok so those are my ramblings. 
Love you all!! Stay strong!
<3

I did good yesterday! I had some couscous with veggies for dinner which was yummy! That was my only high cal thing I ate all day. 
I am down to 117.6! 
2.4 pounds down! 12.6 to go! 20 days. (It may take a little longer at this pace... but we will see)
I will put pics up at 117.


Today will be a good day! Coffee with my mom, lunch at an asian place with my sisters and then school and relaxing. 


I skipped breakfast and hardly ate anything at the asian place. I have had a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. Total: maybe 300 max.


I am planning on waiting until dinner to eat again... 6 or 7. I will either have leftover couscous with veggies, or steamed little potatoes with veggies. I find that if I have a super light dinner lately I binge before I make it to bed. So I try to make my dinner a little, i don't know, starchier? I am not sure of the word. Substantial I think is the word.... without being fat and unhealthy. 
I have to read this book for an anthropology course on the meat industry in the united states and it has steered me away from meat for a while... Although I don't eat meat really much anyway. Just thinking about it makes me feel icky. 


It is rainy and cold outside. Perfect weather in my opinion! I got to wear my wellies to school and that always makes me happy!! :-) Right now I am sipping on some coffee and getting ready to do work on one of my term papers. 


Thanks for all of your wonderful comments girls! I tried to get back to all of you yesterday!
Much love!!!
<3

Make the time fly

So I caved and had some banana bread yesterday... Still made it to 118.2 though! 
1.8 pounds down, 13.2 to go. 21 days.
So close to the next goal.


I have 3 term projects and 3 tests this month. I need to start planning my time well. I did well on the last string of tests and projects.... 96, 100, 100, and waiting on another. My only downfall was a B on a personal health test... it is a stupid class and somehow I am doing awful in it... its really not supposed to be hard. boggles my mind. i wish i could have taken it pass/fail.


im really in an ok state of mind today i think! a little stressed since it is a busy day but overall in a pretty alright mood. Can't believe it is almost the weekend again. This week is going fast! Im glad too... Three months till my hubby comes home and I just want the time to go by as fast as possible!


Thinspo! 

Happy, Tired, Sore

I am happy because I am down to 118.6 :-)
I am tired but not sure why... I slept pretty good last night. Catching up from monday night maybe.
And I am Sore from all the walking yesterday! I walked probably 4 miles in total! Good Stuff.

1.4 down... 13.6 to go!

I will put up photos at 117 I think. Today I have 2 lectures and I am tutoring tonight. Oh and another laser hair removal session. I cant wait for the hair to be gone completely! :-)

Just made some yummy coffee :-) Its the Folger's Selects or something like that the hazelnut flavor! It is sooo good! Breakfast I might make in a little while... It will be oatmeal with zero calorie sweetener and raspberries. Lunch will be an apple and steamed veggies. My snack will be a sugar-free fiber drink mix thing (3 grams of fiber and no calories!). I am not sure about dinner yet... Maybe nothing. I tutor from 5 to 6:30 or 7 :-) So we will see. Maybe another apple. I got these little ones at Trader Joe's that are only like 30 or 40 calories I think. A normal apple at the grocery store can be 90 calories depending on the size! 

<3

I win vs food

Killer hangover but im feeling a little better now.
Had cereal for breakfast yesterday (160) and 2 tiny apples. Then I drank vodka with diet 7 up. Not too bad. Should of drank more water though... Today I have had a pumpkin and flax seed vegan mini muffin (maybe 80) and I'm drinking lots of water. Dinner was veggies with some lean ground beef and popcorn (230)
Thanks for the comments on my pic :-) love you girls!
Wearing the boots with dark skinny jeans and a gray tshirt. It's super cute.
Didn't get on the scale today yet... I didn't want to be fooled by my dehydration. Maybe tonight I will. Probs. Definitely tomorrow.
Love you all!
<3
Oh and it was a fun night!! Lots of dancing and music and friends and drinking :-)
24 days of dieting with kes :-) let's drop 15!
Oh I got on the scale... 119 at 630pm!

Happy Halloween!

Just a quick one for now. Still 120... This sucks. The race was good but cold... 39 degrees!
Had breakfast but skipping Lynch and dinner. Drinking tonight! Vodka mostly probs.
I gained 10 pounds since September 1st. I hate that. I lose in times of chaos and I guess its not chaos anymore?
Love you all and I will try to post bette later
<3

Thinspo and Boots Boots

Just a few thinspo pics and these amazing cute boots i got!

 I hate that I gained but here is my new starting photo... i still haven't bought a full length mirror.... and i know the outfit doesn't match the shoes haha I just wanted to show them on... 

LOVE YOU ALL!!!
<3

Doing good

Well I lost two pounds with during my period. 

Do you ever wonder what the effects of our disorders will have on our lives in the future? I always do but then I never seem to really give it up. 

Anyways I am in a great mood today! I only have one test next week! :-)

Going to church tonight. Looking forward to it.

I think I will go to the gym for a quick workout today. I am doing a 5K run tomorrow for a charity for down syndrome.

Then halloween!! We are being aliens... shiny boots, leggings and lots and lots of glitter! :-)

Love you all!!! I will try and read and comment on this week! It might take a couple days to get through everyone :-)

<3

You all amaze me!

You really do all amaze me. We all have such a great strength when we put our strengths together! I also have no idea how i now have 77 followers? I hope I don't disappoint too much?

Here are the long promised exercises::


Target the butt:
1- on all fours you alternate kicking out opposite leg and arm. This will help with balance and strengthen your gluttes. I like to put on ankle weights to burn more cals and speed up the toning process.
2- standing up, you may need a chair or something to balance. lift your leg to the side, slowly. hold it in the air for 4 to 8 seconds before lowering. try to tense up your stomach muscles to strengthen the core and get ready for not using a balance. 
3- spread leg squats are a great one for the gluttes. get in a second position (ballet) and do a whole bunch of squats pausing when you get to 90 degree angles at your knees. when you go to push yourself back up try to feel the conscious rotation from your hips down to your knees and feet. turn out starts at the hips. only turn out your knees and feet as your hips allow.


Target the stomach:
1- HULA HOOP!
2- crunches of course.
3- just try to consciously tense up your stomach muscles trying to bring your belly button inward to touch your back... also try to bring your ribs in with it in a curling motion inward... hard to explain. doing this enough will make it so your are doing it without thinking and then you will look smaller :-) 


Target the thighs:
1- leg lefts of any kind are great as long as you do them with control. control is always key. just throwing your legs around will not tone you up... 
2- walking. up hill, down hill, or flat ground. Walking tones all parts of your legs.
3- Marching in place while watching tv is pretty good.
4- or lay on your bed so your knees and below are off the bed, on your stomach. and flutter kick... helps tone the thighs. ankle weights are helpful to feel the burn faster. 


Hope these are helpful....? Sorry to rush off but i have 3 tests this week. i was taking 7 classes this semester and finished one so now i am down to six. it is still a lot of work. 


Thank you for all of your continued support!! I love you all!!
<3

Still alive.

Fat and disgusting. Blah.
Love you all. Sorry to let you down.
<3

I have to go to work. I only have 3 shifts left since I quit. My last day is saturday. I can't wait. It is my senior year at university and I need to be able to focus on my classes more. I wish I could just stop going to work now. I just have no motivation for it now that I know I am quitting and I never really liked the job to begin with.
Oh well... Just stick it out.


I go shopping every thursday for groceries. I allow myself up to $50 a week. For this past week I only spent 27 :-) I hope to stick around that again tomorrow. I save so much not buying meat and dairy stuff. I think I may try to be vegetarian again. I will start small again. I will start with no red meat. Since I already do not eat fish or pork. Then once I am good without red meat I will move on to poultry. Then eggs and gelatin. Well at least until my hubby comes home in only 3 and half months! I can't wait!! 


Ok I really have to go. I am already late for work. I just don't care anymore. My boss would probably still give me an amazing review even if I came late and left early everyday. Which I will probably do today. Blah. Stupid work.


stay strong girls!! 
<3


I will post some workout ideas later! I have been having trouble getting to the gym lately so these will be at home workouts! 

Music Memories.

Had a cigarette. yummy. full of energy! listening and dancing to some old music.
hot hot heat.
i used to blast this stuff from the bathroom when i would purge and purge until i was empty. i like the up beat-ness and words and stuff. i like the piano in the background. that was like years ago. back when i was just 17. five years seems like so long ago but so close now. weird.
weird mood right now.
i love cigarettes.

i want to be a skinny girl. i want to be care free and happy. i want to have crazy happy dreams.
dream update:
i had this dream where i saw this guy with a huge piece of glass sticking out of his stomach and then he pulled it out and then he had to pull his shirt out of the wound and then he just had this open wound and i couldn't stop looking at it. the weirdest part was that i wasn't grossed out. usually i would have been. 
anyways... i am going to sleep so i can wake up early and get my essay done before class and the homework... i sooo procrastinated to the max. 
love you all! i commented on some of your blogs! 
have a happy tuesday tomorrow if i don't get a chance to blog!
<3

I want me back.

This was me a couple weeks ago...

Still growing at 22?

I am only a quarter of an inch away from being 5'6 :-)
How does that happen? Beginning of august I was just 5'5.
Welcome even more new followers!! How do I have 70 followers? I love you all!
Well class is about to start... I'll post more later hopefully
<3

Scarves and Layers!!

I would love to look swamped in my clothes like some of these girls!! Stay Strong Girls!! Time for me to read and comment :-) Love Y'all!

Salut mes filles!

Gooood morning!! Sorry it took a little longer than expected... And i am not even down a whole pound... almost though. 117.2 is still moving in the right direction and I can't leave you ladies too long. 
I am glad you all like to read my blog and I can't believe I have 67 followers!? How did that happen when I have been so non-existent lately? Anyways... Welcome ladies! I always read and comment my new followers! 


So the new TJ Maxx and Target opened this week! Well TJ Maxx opened this morning and yes I was there at 8am when it opened! I got a free little bag :-) Awesome! I love that store! I got this adorable pair of gray steve madden heels and a new bra! unfortunately i am down to an A cup :-( that is the bad thing about losing weight... So i got a push up bra and hopefully that will make them look bigger. 


I think I will do some thinspo searching today since I am on break and I have lots of spare time! 


My apartment is spotless! last night i was craving food just in general any kind of food. so what did I do? I cleaned. I even scrubbed the tile floors! This was in the middle of the night... i had woken up and for some reason had tons of energy so i just cleaned and cleaned until there was nothing left to clean... Then I went back to sleep feeling much better. 


Todays plan:
Go grocery shopping with a list. I have the list: fruit, veggies, fiber cereal, 40-calorie bread loaf, honey, lemon juice, eggs and butter. I have to get the eggs and butter for girl night tomorrow night. We are making halloween cupcakes :-) I will try to limit myself to just one cupcake.  I also want to get some parsley and mint. I think I will make some tabouleh with the quinoa and then I can have that and it won't be too high cal for lunches. 
That is all I need and I really want to stick to it. 


Tutor this kid in Chemistry.


Take the dog to the park for a walk. I am going to do this after I finish this post... The weather is beautiful!!


Ok sorry for the long post... I will try to get the thinspo pics up this afternoon and I have more things to talk about but I need to go for this walk the dog is crazy if he doesn't get his exercise and it will be good for me too!


LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!


p.s. - new followers i will read and comment you this afternoon! old friends i will also read and comment! like i said I have lots of time :-)
<3

just a quick update

I know i have been sort of non-existent on here lately... i am sorry. i have still been reading your blogs here and there and commenting a little. 
i am so off track it is crazy! well I was. I am starting to get back where i need to be going but it will be weeks before i am back to 110. i am actually 118 right now! how awful! I gained 8 pounds in September. I had been bingeing super crazy and exercising like half of what I should have been doing. 
So i need to take small steps to get back on track. this bingeing thing kills me. last night i finally broke the binge cycle. weeks of binging. how did i do this? by not going to the grocery store. i have no junk food in my house. i have no meat. i have no white carbs. 
i have: quinoa, parmesan cheese, lettuce, carrots, and thats about it! The only way to really get back on track right now is to have no temptations. 
only 4 months left before my hubby comes home and i need to be so skinny and amazing looking! he has become like so muscly and all and here i am fatso fatso fatso. 
soo... can i lose 13 pounds in 4 months? That is like just over 3 pounds a month. sounds pretty do-able. 
i will post again when i lose a pound... when i am 117. I am only going to allow myself to post when i have lost a full pound.
love you all!!
i will keep reading and commenting as i can!!!
<3


p.s.- 
breakfast: water!
lunch: coffee! and some carrots.
dinner: quinoa perhaps.

je ne mange plus

Birthdays. Got the perfect presents. Everyone knew exactly what to get me. Not that I needed anything. I am grateful though.
I have been depressed since Wednesday. Now I will not eat till October. Or later. I will be drinking water, coffee, diet coke and smoking. Maybe a few Sf red bulls.

morning thank yous!

thank you samantha bell for your wonderful advice. i will try this next time the urge comes. 
thank you fat piggy for you lovely comment too. i will try the sleeping pills tonight. i had bought some a while ago and then i don't know why i stopped taking them. they really did work. i am about to go read your blog!


not much time. it is frenzy friday.


question:


what was the last song or singer or band you listened to?


i listened to muddy waters last. i love his voice.

an interesting development

so i am pretty sure i am more bulimic than anorexic these days. or perhaps i am back to anorexic with bulimic tendencies or maybe bulimic with anorexic tendencies.

i am purging like everyday now. exercising like a crazy person. fidgeting all of the time. never sleeping. bingeing at night like i can't control it. not eating all day until i get home at like 5 or so. its weird. 

i have been staying the same weight which i guess is good. at least i am not gaining. but since i dont eat all day i get really tired. i drink lots of coffee. then i get home and have something healthy like an apple or something and walk the dog. i come back and then begins the binge. its been like this for the past 5 or so days. then the next day i have to make up for eating so much the night before so i dont eat and the cycle starts over.

i need to break this awful cycle.

tomorrow is crazy busy friday. i have work then school then i need to finish a project and go to my brothers game. 

love you all!!!

<3

ps - i will post in the morning much happier hopefully. today's binge was better than yesterdays. small steps i guess. at least i have it out there in the open... well sort of. i need to get back to losing and stop letting myself and you all down.

i can do it. we all can.

Just going through the motions?

Yesterday was weird. I just didn't really feel like I was there. It was more like I was just some body going through the motions of the day. It was getting really weird and I tried digging my nails into my back to snap out of it. It didn't work and I now have a bunch of weird nail marks on my back. 
The concert was interesting :-) We went to mexican first... i split a chicken salad with my friend and we split a pitcher of margaritas which we added extra tequila to. we were pretty tipsy. anyways it started raining. we were all out there just getting drenched and I didn't even feel the cold. i was just happy and drunk. sorry for the randomness. i am just feeling pretty weird these days. 
i think maybe the sleep deprivation is getting to me.
i get like 3 hours of sleep every night for the past week.
sorry for not posting. sorry for not commenting. i have been reading some of your posts here and there. 
i should have more time at the end of the month. i did not make it to my goals i don't think. i was 110 at the beginning of the month. i don't know what i weigh right now but it is not 105. i still have the gap between my legs. my butt is smaller. 
blah.
love you girls!!
QUESTION:


How old were you when you noticed you had an eating disorder? What made you realize?


I was 13. I do not even know what pushed me towards it. I just remember worrying about calories and fat and carbs. I remember walking instead of taking the tram to school. i was living in france. i would pretend to be "sick" so I could get out of eating meals with the family. i would walk downtown and window shop just to walk. i would roller blade for hours. so the craziness started then. nine years ago!

I did not step on the scale today. I am trying to get on it less. I have been getting on it everytime i go to the bathroom and it is just not helping. I do not think I gained but I am just trying to maybe get on every other day. People keep saying that it is actually motivating and better not to get on it all the time. I am going to give it a go.

So it is finally raining and cold :-) I love this weather. I wore cute little black heels, gray jeans, a gray top, an antique gold watch and necklace, and my gray, white and black scarf from Paris :-)
I got so many compliments saying how cute I was! 
My busy day was great.

I do not have much time but here is today's question:
What was your favorite Halloween costume?

When I was in elementary school my mom made me this gorgeous genie costume like in I Dream of Jeannie and I just loved it. We got to wear our costumes to school that year and we had a costume parade and it was so much fun!
 

Just a spoonful of sugar... :-)

It was wonderfully chilly this morning taking my dog for a walk. I love it! It is a scarf day :-) I may post pics of my outfit later on... 

Fridays are always very busy for me. I have work then school then i am going to trader joes with my sister then i have to go do some research for an anthropology project and then go to my brother's football game. i love the how busy i am but iam looking forward to tomorrow for a little relaxation time. 
i have been running, doing the elliptical and doing ab workouts everyday. I will usually run in the morning, elliptical in the afternoon and then ab workout in the evening. Today I just walked the dog because I have work and so not enough time to run and shower. But that is ok since I will be super busy. 
All the exercise has made me happier and more motivated. And I am never hungry after I exercise. It usually takes an hour before I get hungry after. 
Sometimes I wonder what everyone on here is like in the real world. So I think I am going to have a random question of the day and hopefully you will all answer and we can know each other better :-)

Random Question of The Day:
What is your favorite movie and why?

Mine is Mary Poppins. I just love it all. I used to watch it over and over and over when I was a kid and I never got sick of it. I just love it even more now!
I have a tie though for favorite movie. The other one is Stay. It has Ryan Gosling and Ewan Mcgreggor and Naomi Watts. It is about this crazy kid, Ryan Gosling. You should all watch it. It is sort of a psychological thriller type of movie and every time i watch it i notice something new. It is amazing!!!!

<3