Thursday, September 22, 2011

Just going through the motions?

Yesterday was weird. I just didn't really feel like I was there. It was more like I was just some body going through the motions of the day. It was getting really weird and I tried digging my nails into my back to snap out of it. It didn't work and I now have a bunch of weird nail marks on my back. 
The concert was interesting :-) We went to mexican first... i split a chicken salad with my friend and we split a pitcher of margaritas which we added extra tequila to. we were pretty tipsy. anyways it started raining. we were all out there just getting drenched and I didn't even feel the cold. i was just happy and drunk. sorry for the randomness. i am just feeling pretty weird these days. 
i think maybe the sleep deprivation is getting to me.
i get like 3 hours of sleep every night for the past week.
sorry for not posting. sorry for not commenting. i have been reading some of your posts here and there. 
i should have more time at the end of the month. i did not make it to my goals i don't think. i was 110 at the beginning of the month. i don't know what i weigh right now but it is not 105. i still have the gap between my legs. my butt is smaller. 
love you girls!!

How old were you when you noticed you had an eating disorder? What made you realize?

I was 13. I do not even know what pushed me towards it. I just remember worrying about calories and fat and carbs. I remember walking instead of taking the tram to school. i was living in france. i would pretend to be "sick" so I could get out of eating meals with the family. i would walk downtown and window shop just to walk. i would roller blade for hours. so the craziness started then. nine years ago!


  1. I started purging at 9 but I just decided to stop eating when I joined swim team at 10. I didn't even really know it was a disorder till I was hospitalized at 14.

    And completely agree with weightless your so tiny and beautiful!


  2. Love the pic hun!!!
    In the answer to your question I wold have to say around 28-29 maybe. I know sounds dumb uh. In the small town I grew up in no one talkeds about problems and the internet was not even a word when I was growing up. Then from 19 to 26 I was addicted to meth of and on so I did not think about having an ED. once I was older and started doing more research on the matter I learned that feeling for ribs at 6 or 7 not normal. Not eating for days as a child not normal. Doing sit-ups and leg lifts in bed not normal. Everything that I have been since like 5 has not been normal and no one ever picked up on it. I find that the weirdest thing. I weight about 110 before I got pregnant at 17 and was 5 ft 8 inches then. I went to school why didnt a teacher of someone say anything to any one. I also feel cheated or robbed when I look back on it.
    Sorry propbably more detail than you wanted I will stop writting now lol

  3. I didn't realize my problem until this past July. I've had the problem since I was I'd say 13 but I can recall so many things from my whole life as far as I can remember. In the 9th grade I would eat one pop-tart for breakfast at school so it looked like I ate. Except I always tore the crust off. I didn't eat for the rest of the day sometimes except family meals. I'd give my lunches away with some sorry excuse event tho my tummy was growling. Throughotu high school I would exercise incesantly(sp) and didn't think anything of it. When I was in the 7th grade, I dispised fat people, I hated them. I don't anymore, that's not fair. But, I was young. I made every single boyfriend I had promise me they wouldn't let me get fat. Just in case I married them and they would be with me for life. I did a thousand other things like those that I didn't realize made me a sick person. I don't know if I'm really anorexic or whatever. I jsut know that I have a different way of looking at food and weight. I don't know what I've realized to tell you the truth. I don't know anything sometimes.


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