So I am now dating three people... and everyone still knows about each other. its pretty cool.
I also tried heroin and cocaine since I last posted. both good experiences :-)
different experiences but both good. and the coke totally made me not hungry.... like i made dinner for me and one of the girls im dating and i took two bites and was like i just dont feel like eating and was sooo not hungry. i went like 12 hours without food during the day... like thats normal when most of the time is spent sleeping but i was awake the whole time.
i still have a good amount left too so ill do that again! tastes all chemically though. i kept getting the taste in my mouth and then when i would kiss her she would be like you taste all cokey haha
so i totally dont hide that i date girls when i am out... like i wouldnt flaunt it in front of my family cuz they dont know but ill totally hold hands and make out in public.
food stuff is going ok. havent puked since that pizza. and i have been doing normal exersizing amounts.
i went to my doctor the other day and she upped my zoloft script and then wrote me one for valium to help me sleep at night. i am surrounded in drugs haha like i have heroin, coke, valium and percocet in my house right now. never had this many drugs in my house before.
im 124 right now and 5'5''. its mostly muscle. i keep getting compliments on my muscles.
love you all!! <3 p="">
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
The Plan
So my friend H and I have decided to start a fitness plan.
The plan has us run every other day or more and strengthening on the other days. Abs and core workouts are added to running days. It also makes sure we eat fruit and veggies everyday, drink lots of water and include at least 1 protein each day.
We are both going to be pescatarians and eat organic if possible. We both have histories of eating disorders and so we are trying to make sure each other stays healthy.
Today is abs and glutes. I am also about to take my dog for a short hike. it is gorgeous outside!!! and he will be so happy!! the only sad thing for him is i have been putting the muzzle on him because he has been a little agressive towards other dogs lately. he is a rescue and has some issues. he is totally a cuddle bug and thinks he is a big lap dog and loves people... but he has issues with other dogs... i still love him
i was going to go to the grocery store... but i am going to be at my boyfriend's house for the whole weekend starting tomorrow so there really isnt any point... plus it keeps food out of my apartment.
going to dinner tonight at a sushi place with my sisters. should be fun.
talk soon!!
<3 p="">
The plan has us run every other day or more and strengthening on the other days. Abs and core workouts are added to running days. It also makes sure we eat fruit and veggies everyday, drink lots of water and include at least 1 protein each day.
We are both going to be pescatarians and eat organic if possible. We both have histories of eating disorders and so we are trying to make sure each other stays healthy.
Today is abs and glutes. I am also about to take my dog for a short hike. it is gorgeous outside!!! and he will be so happy!! the only sad thing for him is i have been putting the muzzle on him because he has been a little agressive towards other dogs lately. he is a rescue and has some issues. he is totally a cuddle bug and thinks he is a big lap dog and loves people... but he has issues with other dogs... i still love him
i was going to go to the grocery store... but i am going to be at my boyfriend's house for the whole weekend starting tomorrow so there really isnt any point... plus it keeps food out of my apartment.
going to dinner tonight at a sushi place with my sisters. should be fun.
talk soon!!
<3 p="">
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
What do I think?
I went to the gym again at lunch. my annoying co-worker thinks we are friends now... had meetings all day together and then we ended up at the gym at the same time. she drives me nuts.
but my ideas are looking great on paper and i suppose she did help with that. i like being the creative part of the team instead of only the numbers girl. although tomorrow is the numbers stuff.
i finished watching lie to me yesterday. it was so good. i wish they had made more seasons. netflix is the best. now i am watching house of cards. some people drink or do drugs to unwind... I watch tv or play video games.
i have stopped eating snacks at my apartment. i do indulge in some ice cream at night... but compared to how i had been it is much better.
due to the back to back meetings today i missed lunch. i know i shouldnt be happy abut that but i sorta am. i think it is just part of me.
so about my love life....
i have a boyfriend who i love. and a girl who i am totally attracted to and fuck about every wednesday. we do yoga, then have dinner, and then we usually fuck. she also has a boyfriend. and everyone knows about everyone.
i am definitely bi. i love sucking dick and i love licking pussy. thats probably tmi but whatever. this is my blog and i dnt think any of my 125 followers actually still follow me. it seems people make these accounts and then leave them. i keep coming back though. cant believe i have had this thing since 2010!! seems like forever. i had a xanga before this but my parents made me delete it completely after i was admitted to that mental institution. sometimes i try and go back and find it. i logged everything.... every calorie in and out.
im not as crazy as i was.... im different. i started just not eating. then i didnt eat and worked out like crazy. then i purged everything. now i try to be healthier... but i still fall into those old ways sometimes. i still purge every now and again. i still restrict sometimes. i make sure never to be in the clean plate club. i feel happy when i dont finish food.
my boyfriend is a lot older than me.... he is 12 years older. i mean thats not too bad. i cant stand young boys. guys in their 20s are so immature and annoying. my girl is 5 years older.
as immature as i can be about food stuff.... the rest of me is pretty much an old soul.
my fridge looks full but really most of it is bad and should be thrown out. maybe i will do that tomorrow.... i havent gone food shopping in like 10 days. i just am eating whats there. i think i still have probably another weeks worth of food or more. i ran out of milk on saturday.... but its ok cuz i am just drinking black coffee. better anyways.
ok enough rambling.
<3 p="">
but my ideas are looking great on paper and i suppose she did help with that. i like being the creative part of the team instead of only the numbers girl. although tomorrow is the numbers stuff.
i finished watching lie to me yesterday. it was so good. i wish they had made more seasons. netflix is the best. now i am watching house of cards. some people drink or do drugs to unwind... I watch tv or play video games.
i have stopped eating snacks at my apartment. i do indulge in some ice cream at night... but compared to how i had been it is much better.
due to the back to back meetings today i missed lunch. i know i shouldnt be happy abut that but i sorta am. i think it is just part of me.
so about my love life....
i have a boyfriend who i love. and a girl who i am totally attracted to and fuck about every wednesday. we do yoga, then have dinner, and then we usually fuck. she also has a boyfriend. and everyone knows about everyone.
i am definitely bi. i love sucking dick and i love licking pussy. thats probably tmi but whatever. this is my blog and i dnt think any of my 125 followers actually still follow me. it seems people make these accounts and then leave them. i keep coming back though. cant believe i have had this thing since 2010!! seems like forever. i had a xanga before this but my parents made me delete it completely after i was admitted to that mental institution. sometimes i try and go back and find it. i logged everything.... every calorie in and out.
im not as crazy as i was.... im different. i started just not eating. then i didnt eat and worked out like crazy. then i purged everything. now i try to be healthier... but i still fall into those old ways sometimes. i still purge every now and again. i still restrict sometimes. i make sure never to be in the clean plate club. i feel happy when i dont finish food.
my boyfriend is a lot older than me.... he is 12 years older. i mean thats not too bad. i cant stand young boys. guys in their 20s are so immature and annoying. my girl is 5 years older.
as immature as i can be about food stuff.... the rest of me is pretty much an old soul.
my fridge looks full but really most of it is bad and should be thrown out. maybe i will do that tomorrow.... i havent gone food shopping in like 10 days. i just am eating whats there. i think i still have probably another weeks worth of food or more. i ran out of milk on saturday.... but its ok cuz i am just drinking black coffee. better anyways.
ok enough rambling.
<3 p="">
Saturday, March 15, 2014
when was the last time?
hey all....
so i know its been forever and i have no intention of playing catch up.
im at 125. which in my head i feel is a disgustingly gross and fat weight to be at. in my head i wont be happy with my body until i am 110 or under. yet somehow lately i just havent been able to stop eating. i eat and eat and sometimes i purge. and i know how bad purging is but sometimes it feels so good.
sometimes i want to feel how bad my throat feels afterwards. i enjoy the pain knowing that it helped me to stay a little skinnier. i have such a sick mind about these things sometimes. why do i enjoy the pain? why do i obsess over things?
most of the time i dont eat cuz im hungry. i eat cuz i cant help myself. i compulsively eat. like how i used to compulsively not eat. what is wrong with me? at the same time i obsessively exersize. i exersize with every moment i get.... whether it is at work, as i watch my favorite tv shows, the minute i wake up, right before i go to bed.... i even sometimes make myself walk or jog in place in the bathroom before i let myself pee. then once i start a behavior like that i cant stop.
if i tell myself to burn 5 calories everytime i go to the bathroom, then it becomes smething i cant stop. i compulsively must burn those 5 calories or something truly awful will happen.
people tell me i am not fat. i am tight and toned they say. i am fit they say. and it is true that i have muscles. hell i cant stop working out.... of course the muscles show up. i make sure i burn 200 calories before breakfast. then i have to burn 200 more before lunch. blah blah blah.
but somehow this just isnt good enough cuz i am huuuuge. i want to be back to 100 lbs. i loved the way people told me i looked like a victoria secret model when i was 109. the way my hips showed and there was a gap betwen my skin and underwear. i loved the way you could see my abs. and the way my thighs didnt touch.
writing this is like writing porn.... it gets me off. how bad is that?
i tried looking for ED support groups in my area..... not ne single free one. and im not about to fork out 60 bucks for a group session.... so that is why i am back. i need to figure out what will truly make me happy.
i have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. i see the boy on weekends mostly and the girl during the week. they know about each other and all is great in that department. the girl also struggles with eating disorder issues. we are trying to help each other out. like to be healthier...
she is putting a plan together for us to start on wednesday. but like i said... i need to figure out what will make me happy.
im much hornier when i am skinnier.... and i like being horny.
its been quite a ramble but it feels good to get this out of my head!! and writing this has kept me away from food for a little while.
please comment. love everyone!
<3 p="">
so i know its been forever and i have no intention of playing catch up.
im at 125. which in my head i feel is a disgustingly gross and fat weight to be at. in my head i wont be happy with my body until i am 110 or under. yet somehow lately i just havent been able to stop eating. i eat and eat and sometimes i purge. and i know how bad purging is but sometimes it feels so good.
sometimes i want to feel how bad my throat feels afterwards. i enjoy the pain knowing that it helped me to stay a little skinnier. i have such a sick mind about these things sometimes. why do i enjoy the pain? why do i obsess over things?
most of the time i dont eat cuz im hungry. i eat cuz i cant help myself. i compulsively eat. like how i used to compulsively not eat. what is wrong with me? at the same time i obsessively exersize. i exersize with every moment i get.... whether it is at work, as i watch my favorite tv shows, the minute i wake up, right before i go to bed.... i even sometimes make myself walk or jog in place in the bathroom before i let myself pee. then once i start a behavior like that i cant stop.
if i tell myself to burn 5 calories everytime i go to the bathroom, then it becomes smething i cant stop. i compulsively must burn those 5 calories or something truly awful will happen.
people tell me i am not fat. i am tight and toned they say. i am fit they say. and it is true that i have muscles. hell i cant stop working out.... of course the muscles show up. i make sure i burn 200 calories before breakfast. then i have to burn 200 more before lunch. blah blah blah.
but somehow this just isnt good enough cuz i am huuuuge. i want to be back to 100 lbs. i loved the way people told me i looked like a victoria secret model when i was 109. the way my hips showed and there was a gap betwen my skin and underwear. i loved the way you could see my abs. and the way my thighs didnt touch.
writing this is like writing porn.... it gets me off. how bad is that?
i tried looking for ED support groups in my area..... not ne single free one. and im not about to fork out 60 bucks for a group session.... so that is why i am back. i need to figure out what will truly make me happy.
i have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. i see the boy on weekends mostly and the girl during the week. they know about each other and all is great in that department. the girl also struggles with eating disorder issues. we are trying to help each other out. like to be healthier...
she is putting a plan together for us to start on wednesday. but like i said... i need to figure out what will make me happy.
im much hornier when i am skinnier.... and i like being horny.
its been quite a ramble but it feels good to get this out of my head!! and writing this has kept me away from food for a little while.
please comment. love everyone!
<3 p="">
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The scale
I got a scale today after not having one for like 9 months!!
I was 109 in July of last year... Today I am a whopping 121. Gross.
Time to kick it into gear. Swim suit season is coming up fast and I need to get back to a good weight. At least down to 115. It's way easier to get there with a scale. I think I need that motivation.
Love you all
<3 p="">
I was 109 in July of last year... Today I am a whopping 121. Gross.
Time to kick it into gear. Swim suit season is coming up fast and I need to get back to a good weight. At least down to 115. It's way easier to get there with a scale. I think I need that motivation.
Love you all
<3 p="">
Friday, April 26, 2013
What do I want?
What do I want these days?
Do I want to live in a world where my happiness is controlled by my weight?
Do I want to always be worried about what people think of me?
Do I want to always be worried that I will end up depressed and suicidal?
Do I want to look forward to the pain I inflict on myself?
Do I want to constantly look for reassurance from others?
Do I want to be obsessed with calorie burning?
Do I always want to be counting calories?
Do I want to keep counting the hours, minutes, seconds since the next time I can eat?
Do I want people to really know me? Is it worth knowing me? Am I a good friend?
What do I want to do with my life? What do I want out of life?
It's been months with out a scale. I feel fat, ugly, and tired most of the time.
I feel too tired to make friends. People I work with are nice sometimes and other times petty.
They are mostly all fat. Why do I include that here?
My emotions are like a roller coaster.
I ordered a scale. It will be delivered in a few days.
Husband is coming home tomorrow. He was gone for almost 3 weeks. It's up to me what we do on Sunday. I have no ideas... Not much to do here. I may see if he wants to go to the gym with me or running or something lie that. Then maybe a movie in the afternoon?
I do more online shopping now. I have been meaning to go to Victoria secret these past couple weeks but haven't felt good enough to go... Times almost up.
Love y'all.
Ana
Do I want to live in a world where my happiness is controlled by my weight?
Do I want to always be worried about what people think of me?
Do I want to always be worried that I will end up depressed and suicidal?
Do I want to look forward to the pain I inflict on myself?
Do I want to constantly look for reassurance from others?
Do I want to be obsessed with calorie burning?
Do I want to keep counting the hours, minutes, seconds since the next time I can eat?
Do I want people to really know me? Is it worth knowing me? Am I a good friend?
What do I want to do with my life? What do I want out of life?
It's been months with out a scale. I feel fat, ugly, and tired most of the time.
I feel too tired to make friends. People I work with are nice sometimes and other times petty.
They are mostly all fat. Why do I include that here?
My emotions are like a roller coaster.
I ordered a scale. It will be delivered in a few days.
Husband is coming home tomorrow. He was gone for almost 3 weeks. It's up to me what we do on Sunday. I have no ideas... Not much to do here. I may see if he wants to go to the gym with me or running or something lie that. Then maybe a movie in the afternoon?
I do more online shopping now. I have been meaning to go to Victoria secret these past couple weeks but haven't felt good enough to go... Times almost up.
Love y'all.
Ana
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Real life...
Well it sucks sometimes... I was worried about one of my students and so I did some research on him and brought my findings to the AP. after they did some of their own research, they agreed something is up. With dark circles under his eyes all the time, failing 3 of 4 classes and his passivity... They are now looking into getting the social worker involved. I hope it gets better... I'll be keeping my eye on him.
I've done yoga every day this week :-) makes me feel great. I really want to have a great beach body here soon. When the weather starts getting nice I want to spend time at the beach. Now that we only live 15 mins from the ocean :-)
Well it's Big Bang theory time and then sleep. Got to wake up at 6am every morning now...
Love you all
<3 p="">
I've done yoga every day this week :-) makes me feel great. I really want to have a great beach body here soon. When the weather starts getting nice I want to spend time at the beach. Now that we only live 15 mins from the ocean :-)
Well it's Big Bang theory time and then sleep. Got to wake up at 6am every morning now...
Love you all
<3 p="">
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Abs?
What are your opinions on having a six pack as a girl?
I don't have one but I am getting good definition... The hubby likes them and wishes I wanted one... I don't want a six pack because I think they are just unladylike or whatever I don't know I'm open to change I guess.
In the middle of doing some stripper yoga right now... Just taking a quick break. It's pretty much a mix of yoga and sexy dancing I made up. I'm doing it to a pandora mix of lmafo radio. Keeps me fit and not bored.
Sorry for the choppy post and long absence. Graduated and got a job! Woot woot. The business made me lose weight then gain weight. And no scale right now :-(. I guess it's good and bad. I just have to keep staying on track.
Love you all!!!
<3 p="">
I don't have one but I am getting good definition... The hubby likes them and wishes I wanted one... I don't want a six pack because I think they are just unladylike or whatever I don't know I'm open to change I guess.
In the middle of doing some stripper yoga right now... Just taking a quick break. It's pretty much a mix of yoga and sexy dancing I made up. I'm doing it to a pandora mix of lmafo radio. Keeps me fit and not bored.
Sorry for the choppy post and long absence. Graduated and got a job! Woot woot. The business made me lose weight then gain weight. And no scale right now :-(. I guess it's good and bad. I just have to keep staying on track.
Love you all!!!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
this will be short
friday was great. had a luna bar for breakfast and some veggies with a little bit of hummus for lunch. that was it! no dinner! total for friday: 230 maybe and i think that is still high
saturday was not as great.... husband made me breakfast! english muffin (a light one at least) with cheese, bacon (minus the icky total fat parts), and some guacamole. yummy... but probably like 300 calories. then we had barbecue for lunch maybe 400 calories and burger for dinner 400 calories. plus a beer! 120. total.... whopping 1220!!
today.... banana bread for breakfast 200, leftover burger for lunch 300 (fewer toppings!) and hopefully something light for dinner. total so far... 500.
my weights... saturday morning! a lovely 113.4! I checked like 10 times!
this afternoon at like 2pm ish.... 115.4! I know it was after breakfast and lunch but still.
i wont have a scale again until friday. at least it is 1.6 pounds less than last sunday!! Would have been nice to be 3.6 pounds less though... let's hope great things for friday!!
love you allll!!!!!!!
welcome new followers!!! ill check you out probs tomorrow!!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
get at me!
can you believe this is post 200?? crazy!
food is doing awesome today:
breakfast : peach chobani 140
snack : tiny apple 35
lunch : carrots, cherry tomatoes, and hummus 100
snack : come tortilla chips and guac : 200 (i know but still pretty low)
Total so far: 475
i am so tired today... dont even know why. i am going to try to do a total of 30 mins exercise today: crunches, pilates and yoga
love you all!!!!!!!!
food is doing awesome today:
breakfast : peach chobani 140
snack : tiny apple 35
lunch : carrots, cherry tomatoes, and hummus 100
snack : come tortilla chips and guac : 200 (i know but still pretty low)
Total so far: 475
i am so tired today... dont even know why. i am going to try to do a total of 30 mins exercise today: crunches, pilates and yoga
love you all!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
my favorite show starts soon!
my favorite tv show is law and order svu and yes it is starting like now!!
its time for boots again!!!
intake not as great today...
breakfast: pineapple greek yogurt : 160
snack: half banana : 45
lunch: carrots, grape tomatoes and hummus : 150
snack: some rice with carrots, tofu and soy beans : 200
dinner: salad, pierogies, pork : 450!! ahhhhh
total: 1050 :-(
should have taken a nap instead of snacking on that rice dish...
got lots done today though....
and i got my boots back from the cobbler! they look perfect :-)
ok svu on now!!!
love you all!! i will comment during commercials!
its time for boots again!!!
intake not as great today...
breakfast: pineapple greek yogurt : 160
snack: half banana : 45
lunch: carrots, grape tomatoes and hummus : 150
snack: some rice with carrots, tofu and soy beans : 200
dinner: salad, pierogies, pork : 450!! ahhhhh
total: 1050 :-(
should have taken a nap instead of snacking on that rice dish...
got lots done today though....
and i got my boots back from the cobbler! they look perfect :-)
ok svu on now!!!
love you all!! i will comment during commercials!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
et maintenant?
just took the hydrocodone/acetamenaphin combo from the dentist so soooon i will be falling asleep peacefully.
thanks for the comments girls!
it didnt go great at the dentist but its over....
fooood:
breakfast: belvita (220)
dinner: attempted to eat some soup and crackers... maybe 100
i got sick feeling again after a few spoonfuls and crackers...
silver lining i suppose
total:: 320! saweet!!
im gonna go and comment now before i fall asleep! sorry if it doesnt make sense
love!!
thanks for the comments girls!
it didnt go great at the dentist but its over....
fooood:
breakfast: belvita (220)
dinner: attempted to eat some soup and crackers... maybe 100
i got sick feeling again after a few spoonfuls and crackers...
silver lining i suppose
total:: 320! saweet!!
im gonna go and comment now before i fall asleep! sorry if it doesnt make sense
love!!
good morning my lovelies!!
woke up this morning and my stomach is nice and flat today! made me happy. it had been all bloaty lately but i think now i am back to restricting it will stay nice and flat.
last night at dinner somehow i got a stomach ache like for real after i had finished eating my vegetables... i didn't even have to touch the risotto! i just waited for everyone to finish and went back up to my room! Instead of the 1200 calories probably on my plate... i only ate the peas and a couple bites of the pork! so maybe 200 calories tops.
to all of you who binge/purge... here's a little real life pit fall... today i am going to the dentist to get a crown! yup only 23 and getting a crown. after years and years of purging and purging i definitely weakened my teeth and last week i was eating some pita chips and hummus and my tooth cracked! after work today its off to the dentist for 3 hours of misery. the only thing that isnt so bad is ill be taking a valium so im less anxious... i did however finally find a dentist i like! too bad he is here by parents and not by my actual house with my hubby! :-( ok enough pity me... please stop purging girls!
food plan:
breakfast: coffee and half pack of belvita 130
snack: half banana 50
lunch: carrots, cherry tomatoes and hummus 125
snack: maybe greek yogurt but i will probably be too anxious to eat before the dentist
dinner: none - i will hopefully not be eating after the dentist just come home and sleep
love you girls!! have a wonderfully skinny day!!!
last night at dinner somehow i got a stomach ache like for real after i had finished eating my vegetables... i didn't even have to touch the risotto! i just waited for everyone to finish and went back up to my room! Instead of the 1200 calories probably on my plate... i only ate the peas and a couple bites of the pork! so maybe 200 calories tops.
to all of you who binge/purge... here's a little real life pit fall... today i am going to the dentist to get a crown! yup only 23 and getting a crown. after years and years of purging and purging i definitely weakened my teeth and last week i was eating some pita chips and hummus and my tooth cracked! after work today its off to the dentist for 3 hours of misery. the only thing that isnt so bad is ill be taking a valium so im less anxious... i did however finally find a dentist i like! too bad he is here by parents and not by my actual house with my hubby! :-( ok enough pity me... please stop purging girls!
food plan:
breakfast: coffee and half pack of belvita 130
snack: half banana 50
lunch: carrots, cherry tomatoes and hummus 125
snack: maybe greek yogurt but i will probably be too anxious to eat before the dentist
dinner: none - i will hopefully not be eating after the dentist just come home and sleep
love you girls!! have a wonderfully skinny day!!!
Monday, October 8, 2012
yogalates
yogalates is my new favorite past time :-)
i have been pretty off and on with exercising lately... i should try harder to workout more often even if its just yoga or something. I will make that my goal for the next couple weeks!
food stuffs today has been alright... better than last week and the week before.
breakfast: luna bar 180
snack: half banana 50
lunch: carrots, green beans and hummus 130
snack: pasta! ugh. small bowl with pesto 200
total so far: 560
my mom is making pork and risotto with mushrooms! so fatty and high cal!! I have to eat a small portion and not make it look like i am watching what i am eating. i used to be so good at this... let's see how i do. it's weird being back at the family house after being gone for so long...
unfortunately i cant weigh in while i am here unless everyone is gone which is like never.... so probably no weigh in until friday or saturday...
how often do you think about dying? about writing a note? about inflicting pain on yourself until its all you can think about? how many scars do you have? how many bruises? how many hidden blades? how many times have you had to wear that hoodie because you had to cover up some cut even though its burning up?
i keep thinking about writing that note. for safe keeping just in case.
i put a dent in the wall a couple weeks ago with my head... had a lovely bruise on my forehead for a few days... just thought maybe, just maybe, i wouldnt hear the voices in my head anymore.
on my radio this week: modest mouse and bright eyes
love you all!!!
i have been pretty off and on with exercising lately... i should try harder to workout more often even if its just yoga or something. I will make that my goal for the next couple weeks!
food stuffs today has been alright... better than last week and the week before.
breakfast: luna bar 180
snack: half banana 50
lunch: carrots, green beans and hummus 130
snack: pasta! ugh. small bowl with pesto 200
total so far: 560
my mom is making pork and risotto with mushrooms! so fatty and high cal!! I have to eat a small portion and not make it look like i am watching what i am eating. i used to be so good at this... let's see how i do. it's weird being back at the family house after being gone for so long...
unfortunately i cant weigh in while i am here unless everyone is gone which is like never.... so probably no weigh in until friday or saturday...
how often do you think about dying? about writing a note? about inflicting pain on yourself until its all you can think about? how many scars do you have? how many bruises? how many hidden blades? how many times have you had to wear that hoodie because you had to cover up some cut even though its burning up?
i keep thinking about writing that note. for safe keeping just in case.
i put a dent in the wall a couple weeks ago with my head... had a lovely bruise on my forehead for a few days... just thought maybe, just maybe, i wouldnt hear the voices in my head anymore.
on my radio this week: modest mouse and bright eyes
love you all!!!
for realsies?
this post wouldnt post last night... also didnt save right but i dont feel like re-writing it...
ok so i know my posts seem to be sporadic but i do always seem to come back...
biggest news i guess would be that i took the gre and lsat and now i am applying to law schools!! kinda exciting!
i also got my belly button pierced :-)
bad news... i am back to 117... blerg. i am having trouble not having easy access to a scale... back living with the parents until i finish out the semester
new stuff: took the gre and lsat. i am applying to law school! fun stuff!
got my belly button pierced! super cute!
things are good with the hubby again
did not sleep with that guy although i was wanting to
back up to 117 ugh. i really cant live without a scale and still stay skinny
back to self-harming... i dont know why but i do not like that word... but i cant saying cutting since i dont really cut any more.... no knife or blade... ive started using my fingernails. its less obvious but still effective. this time its on the back of my neck... have i mentioned my hair is like super long now! i have finally gotten it as long as i have always wanted! back to the "cutting"... it just seems to calm me down and let me forget about things.
love you all!!
ok so i know my posts seem to be sporadic but i do always seem to come back...
biggest news i guess would be that i took the gre and lsat and now i am applying to law schools!! kinda exciting!
i also got my belly button pierced :-)
bad news... i am back to 117... blerg. i am having trouble not having easy access to a scale... back living with the parents until i finish out the semester
new stuff: took the gre and lsat. i am applying to law school! fun stuff!
got my belly button pierced! super cute!
things are good with the hubby again
did not sleep with that guy although i was wanting to
back up to 117 ugh. i really cant live without a scale and still stay skinny
back to self-harming... i dont know why but i do not like that word... but i cant saying cutting since i dont really cut any more.... no knife or blade... ive started using my fingernails. its less obvious but still effective. this time its on the back of my neck... have i mentioned my hair is like super long now! i have finally gotten it as long as i have always wanted! back to the "cutting"... it just seems to calm me down and let me forget about things.
love you all!!
Friday, August 10, 2012
they just keep coming
i apologize in advance for the scatter brained post.
the weigh in: 111 :-) another goal!!
today i am going shopping!! none of my clothes fit right anymore... my jeans are too loose, my skirts fall off, and my shirts are sooo baggy. i will update my measurements here in a minute.
the guy i almost fooled around with the other day... he asked me what size i was when he noticed how baggy my clothes were and i honestly had no idea!
i got asked out three times yesterday! by three different guys! i guess my hard work is paying off for something...
the hubby and i decided to have an open relationship a couple days ago. we are already in a sort of threesome but now anyone is up for grabs. now i dont have to feel bad about fooling around with that guy i talked about before.
we know we are each others number one but we got married at 19 and we just dont want to have any regrets... we are 3 and a half years married :-)
yesterday the only thing i ate was a toaster struedel!! still haven't eaten either... i guess im fasting but i didnt even plan on it...
studying for the lsat is going well except the strengthen/weaken questions.... those are hard.
my best friend is arriving today for the weekend! i cant wait! i will have to be careful and save my calories for some drinks!! doesn't take much these days :-) i was drunk off like one beer the other day haha i dont mind though :-) less calories!!
love you all!!!
<3 b="b">
Sunday, August 5, 2012
hunger is confusing
hey girlies!
the weigh-in... 111.6 :-)
so i went out with the guy from two posts ago... nothing happened just hung out.
not sure about if ill do that again... at least just the two of us.
might go to the beach tomorrow with ppl from work tomorrow but i dunno... it depends on when.
my sisters are coming in from out of town! it will be a fun girls time! they will get here in the mid afternoon so i dunno about the beach...
im actually kind of worried about going to the beach... the whole swimsuit issue. my ribs totally stick out like its cool and even the ribs in my back... i dont really want any "youre too skinny your bones are sticking out" comments you know? with clothes on it looks fine but without... i just dont know what other people would say or think.
ok but enough of that... the title of my post! yesterday i had like half of breakfast and then didnt eat again until like 2 in the morning... i had some noodles. i just wasn't really hungry. like my stomach was making noises and all but my head just wasn't hungry. does that ever happen to you? then today... it is 1:30 in the afternoon and i have had like a handful of sweet potato fries and i pretty much had to force myself to do that. eating is making me feel nausous... and i didnt even drink last night!
love you girls!!
<3 b="b">
the weigh-in... 111.6 :-)
so i went out with the guy from two posts ago... nothing happened just hung out.
not sure about if ill do that again... at least just the two of us.
might go to the beach tomorrow with ppl from work tomorrow but i dunno... it depends on when.
my sisters are coming in from out of town! it will be a fun girls time! they will get here in the mid afternoon so i dunno about the beach...
im actually kind of worried about going to the beach... the whole swimsuit issue. my ribs totally stick out like its cool and even the ribs in my back... i dont really want any "youre too skinny your bones are sticking out" comments you know? with clothes on it looks fine but without... i just dont know what other people would say or think.
ok but enough of that... the title of my post! yesterday i had like half of breakfast and then didnt eat again until like 2 in the morning... i had some noodles. i just wasn't really hungry. like my stomach was making noises and all but my head just wasn't hungry. does that ever happen to you? then today... it is 1:30 in the afternoon and i have had like a handful of sweet potato fries and i pretty much had to force myself to do that. eating is making me feel nausous... and i didnt even drink last night!
love you girls!!
<3 b="b">
Saturday, August 4, 2012
twig
i got called a twig today! felt kinda good suppose. but i still feel pretty gargantuan. the weigh-in brought me down to 112.8 only like a pound and a half until i reach that "underweight" bench mark.
what people said about me at work today... (im a waitress)
5 yr kid: excuse me, excuse me... you are beautiful!
random guy going to his table: sorry for staring, but i just think you are a beautiful woman
cook number 1: you are "fiiine" for a white girl
cook number 2 (who i think is pretty damn hot (also covered in tattoos! yumm!!)): yeah you are fine for a white girl!
cook number 1 to cook number 3(the newbie) : don't you think she is fine?
cook number 3: you are beautiful
cook 2: but beautiful is different than fine
cook 3: no its not...
cook 1: yeah it is.
anyways... that was my day at work. the tips sucked but the compliments were nice. even if they were a little creepy from the random guy... guys with tattoos are just so smokin hot!
oh cook number 2 has also told me many times that he is waiting for me (he is pretty sure my marriage wont last... which is pretty common around this military town)
today he says he loves me.
this guy is different from the one i was contemplating about yesterday... that one also has some sweet tattoos but he is not as smokin.
todays food: some yogurt and cereal: 200
thats it... i went to work at 2:30 and got home at 10:00ish
im about to down a huge glass of water, shower and watch some tv
love you alllll!!!!!
<3 b="b">
Friday, August 3, 2012
where does the time go sometimes?
hope you girls are all doing well!!!!!!!! i have missed you!! welcome back ascendancy!!! this post is going to be all over the place and random... please bear with me. my life is a little bit of a mess right now. well my brain is anyways
well i am still fluctuating around 113 (give or take half a pound each day...)
i am now studying to take the lsat in october! some formal logic for you gals:
if i eat i will get fat. if i am fat i will be unhappy. if i am happy then i am skinny. if i am skinny then i can wear those jeans that dont fit yet. if i can wear those jeans then i will be super hot. if i am super hot then all guys will want to be with me. so if i did not eat then all guys will want to be with me.
i have started taking an lsat course so i can get a super awesome score and be a kickass lawyer. formal logic is the beginning of the course. and this is what i was thinking when doing my homework haha.
today i have eaten: 1/2 of a greek yogurt, some granola, a handful of chips, and a fiber one bar.
calories: 450
not so sure about my exercise... i might eat dinner later.... but for now i am sipping on a zero calorie monster...
so i know you girls listen (and hopefully don't judge).... for the past couple weeks i have been coming so close to cheating on my hubby. i repeat... close. i have not done anything yet.
sometimes i think i am like a sex addict or something. our schedules have been so opposite lately and i have been so horny. so i have almost been cheating on my hubby with this guy at work.
i have cheated on him twice since we have been together sort of. first time with a drug dealer and second time with my best friend (yeah.. a girl). the second time i don't like to count since we have a threesome together and then he said it was ok to fool around with her while he was on deployment... weird understanding i know. he knows about all of it and our relationship is so strong!
now we have decided maybe we want to be swingers. we married young (three years and 3 months!) and want to have fun but still want to be with each other forever. (both of our ideas... he has never cheated).
anyways.. i just wanted to get that off my chest and write it out so i can think about it more clearly.
love you all!!
<3 b="b">
well i am still fluctuating around 113 (give or take half a pound each day...)
i am now studying to take the lsat in october! some formal logic for you gals:
if i eat i will get fat. if i am fat i will be unhappy. if i am happy then i am skinny. if i am skinny then i can wear those jeans that dont fit yet. if i can wear those jeans then i will be super hot. if i am super hot then all guys will want to be with me. so if i did not eat then all guys will want to be with me.
i have started taking an lsat course so i can get a super awesome score and be a kickass lawyer. formal logic is the beginning of the course. and this is what i was thinking when doing my homework haha.
today i have eaten: 1/2 of a greek yogurt, some granola, a handful of chips, and a fiber one bar.
calories: 450
not so sure about my exercise... i might eat dinner later.... but for now i am sipping on a zero calorie monster...
so i know you girls listen (and hopefully don't judge).... for the past couple weeks i have been coming so close to cheating on my hubby. i repeat... close. i have not done anything yet.
sometimes i think i am like a sex addict or something. our schedules have been so opposite lately and i have been so horny. so i have almost been cheating on my hubby with this guy at work.
i have cheated on him twice since we have been together sort of. first time with a drug dealer and second time with my best friend (yeah.. a girl). the second time i don't like to count since we have a threesome together and then he said it was ok to fool around with her while he was on deployment... weird understanding i know. he knows about all of it and our relationship is so strong!
now we have decided maybe we want to be swingers. we married young (three years and 3 months!) and want to have fun but still want to be with each other forever. (both of our ideas... he has never cheated).
anyways.. i just wanted to get that off my chest and write it out so i can think about it more clearly.
love you all!!
<3 b="b">
Friday, July 13, 2012
a spoonful of sugar
i am undecided on my next tattoo... either dogwood flowers peeking over my other shoulder or a spoonful of a sugar a la Mary poppins (my favorite movie :-) ). i want to get some little scroll wrapped around the spoon handle but im not sure what to have on that yet...
on weight notes... i am at 113 now! yesterday i ate my breakfast so slow that the granola in my greek yogurt got mushy and i couldnt finish it. then i didnt eat again until about 7 ish. we went out for mexican and i had a margarita about as big as my head! had to get some help on that! haha. anyways the food didnt sit so well... so i am down again today. :-) 2 pounds to my next goal!
well i am pretty tired... i need to take a nap... otherwise i will start eating.
i dont work today since we are leaving this afternoon so i have the morning to get ready and i should have time for reading and commenting on your blogs :-)
love you girls!!!
<3
on weight notes... i am at 113 now! yesterday i ate my breakfast so slow that the granola in my greek yogurt got mushy and i couldnt finish it. then i didnt eat again until about 7 ish. we went out for mexican and i had a margarita about as big as my head! had to get some help on that! haha. anyways the food didnt sit so well... so i am down again today. :-) 2 pounds to my next goal!
well i am pretty tired... i need to take a nap... otherwise i will start eating.
i dont work today since we are leaving this afternoon so i have the morning to get ready and i should have time for reading and commenting on your blogs :-)
love you girls!!!
<3
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