je ne mange plus

Birthdays. Got the perfect presents. Everyone knew exactly what to get me. Not that I needed anything. I am grateful though.
I have been depressed since Wednesday. Now I will not eat till October. Or later. I will be drinking water, coffee, diet coke and smoking. Maybe a few Sf red bulls.

morning thank yous!

thank you samantha bell for your wonderful advice. i will try this next time the urge comes. 
thank you fat piggy for you lovely comment too. i will try the sleeping pills tonight. i had bought some a while ago and then i don't know why i stopped taking them. they really did work. i am about to go read your blog!


not much time. it is frenzy friday.


question:


what was the last song or singer or band you listened to?


i listened to muddy waters last. i love his voice.

an interesting development

so i am pretty sure i am more bulimic than anorexic these days. or perhaps i am back to anorexic with bulimic tendencies or maybe bulimic with anorexic tendencies.

i am purging like everyday now. exercising like a crazy person. fidgeting all of the time. never sleeping. bingeing at night like i can't control it. not eating all day until i get home at like 5 or so. its weird. 

i have been staying the same weight which i guess is good. at least i am not gaining. but since i dont eat all day i get really tired. i drink lots of coffee. then i get home and have something healthy like an apple or something and walk the dog. i come back and then begins the binge. its been like this for the past 5 or so days. then the next day i have to make up for eating so much the night before so i dont eat and the cycle starts over.

i need to break this awful cycle.

tomorrow is crazy busy friday. i have work then school then i need to finish a project and go to my brothers game. 

love you all!!!

<3

ps - i will post in the morning much happier hopefully. today's binge was better than yesterdays. small steps i guess. at least i have it out there in the open... well sort of. i need to get back to losing and stop letting myself and you all down.

i can do it. we all can.

Just going through the motions?

Yesterday was weird. I just didn't really feel like I was there. It was more like I was just some body going through the motions of the day. It was getting really weird and I tried digging my nails into my back to snap out of it. It didn't work and I now have a bunch of weird nail marks on my back. 
The concert was interesting :-) We went to mexican first... i split a chicken salad with my friend and we split a pitcher of margaritas which we added extra tequila to. we were pretty tipsy. anyways it started raining. we were all out there just getting drenched and I didn't even feel the cold. i was just happy and drunk. sorry for the randomness. i am just feeling pretty weird these days. 
i think maybe the sleep deprivation is getting to me.
i get like 3 hours of sleep every night for the past week.
sorry for not posting. sorry for not commenting. i have been reading some of your posts here and there. 
i should have more time at the end of the month. i did not make it to my goals i don't think. i was 110 at the beginning of the month. i don't know what i weigh right now but it is not 105. i still have the gap between my legs. my butt is smaller. 
blah.
love you girls!!
QUESTION:


How old were you when you noticed you had an eating disorder? What made you realize?


I was 13. I do not even know what pushed me towards it. I just remember worrying about calories and fat and carbs. I remember walking instead of taking the tram to school. i was living in france. i would pretend to be "sick" so I could get out of eating meals with the family. i would walk downtown and window shop just to walk. i would roller blade for hours. so the craziness started then. nine years ago!

I did not step on the scale today. I am trying to get on it less. I have been getting on it everytime i go to the bathroom and it is just not helping. I do not think I gained but I am just trying to maybe get on every other day. People keep saying that it is actually motivating and better not to get on it all the time. I am going to give it a go.

So it is finally raining and cold :-) I love this weather. I wore cute little black heels, gray jeans, a gray top, an antique gold watch and necklace, and my gray, white and black scarf from Paris :-)
I got so many compliments saying how cute I was! 
My busy day was great.

I do not have much time but here is today's question:
What was your favorite Halloween costume?

When I was in elementary school my mom made me this gorgeous genie costume like in I Dream of Jeannie and I just loved it. We got to wear our costumes to school that year and we had a costume parade and it was so much fun!
 

Just a spoonful of sugar... :-)

It was wonderfully chilly this morning taking my dog for a walk. I love it! It is a scarf day :-) I may post pics of my outfit later on... 

Fridays are always very busy for me. I have work then school then i am going to trader joes with my sister then i have to go do some research for an anthropology project and then go to my brother's football game. i love the how busy i am but iam looking forward to tomorrow for a little relaxation time. 
i have been running, doing the elliptical and doing ab workouts everyday. I will usually run in the morning, elliptical in the afternoon and then ab workout in the evening. Today I just walked the dog because I have work and so not enough time to run and shower. But that is ok since I will be super busy. 
All the exercise has made me happier and more motivated. And I am never hungry after I exercise. It usually takes an hour before I get hungry after. 
Sometimes I wonder what everyone on here is like in the real world. So I think I am going to have a random question of the day and hopefully you will all answer and we can know each other better :-)

Random Question of The Day:
What is your favorite movie and why?

Mine is Mary Poppins. I just love it all. I used to watch it over and over and over when I was a kid and I never got sick of it. I just love it even more now!
I have a tie though for favorite movie. The other one is Stay. It has Ryan Gosling and Ewan Mcgreggor and Naomi Watts. It is about this crazy kid, Ryan Gosling. You should all watch it. It is sort of a psychological thriller type of movie and every time i watch it i notice something new. It is amazing!!!!

<3

doing alright

Things are going well. I ran 4 miles yesterday and 6 today. I also did ab workouts both days and stayed under 500 cals. 
Still not back to 110 but I am "thinner" whatever that means. My ass went from 34 to 33. My hips went from 31.5 to 30.5 so that is all good. My calfs went from 13.5 to 13. Muscles weigh more and I know that so thats why i am measuring more. makes me feel better.
so today i did good and then i had a piece of cake and strawberries and pineapple. all of the crazy sugar went to my head and i felt awful so i purged it. not so good. i got it all up which was good but it ended up coming out of my mouth and nose. not so pleasant. it just really wanted out i guess. sorry for the details. 
after that i went for a walk in the rain with the dog and then watched some tv... well hulu. i dont have cable. 
my post sounds sort of depressing to me but i really am happy. i have had a great past two days. spent most of yesterday with my sister and it was a blast. 
she is jealous of how "skinny" and "muscly" i am. her words. 
i am getting more "skinny" "thin" comments lately which makes me feel good but then i look at me in the mirror and i surely dont see it yet. i will soon though. hopefully. 

I am reading your blogs. i just dont have time to comment. i should have time on saturday or sunday. i love you all!! i will be skinny soon. we all will be.
<3

Some Thinspo

A leave of absence...

Sorry I have not been on here much lately. I have had an odd past few days. Both good and bad. Bad news always first right? Well... I gained. I shot back up to an awful weight and I am working on getting back. Good news is that it really was a reality check and I feel refreshed and great. I was down 1.6 pounds today from yesterday so that is good. And today was a good day too. 
I am being very organized and planning my days out completely! From when I get up at 6am to when I go to sleep at 10 or 11. I also have been packing a lunch to take to school instead of just not eating. Funny thing is... when I packed the lunch I wasn't even hungry or tempted to eat it... So my intakes have been below 500 and my exercise has been at least -600. I will not be posting my weight until it is below 110 and I will probably not be on here too much until then either. 
School is crazy busy these days and I was starting to go crazy. It is getting better now but still overwhelming. 
I am still reading your blogs and commenting on some.
The sooner I can lose this weight the sooner I will be back here. But not as much as before probably. Maybe one post a day or every other day... Thinspo once a week. 
It is all about doing what is best for yourself sometimes. Sometimes you need to just take some time and step back and then you can get back on your way.
Stay strong and positive girls!!!
I love you all! I am sorry if I do not comment but just know i am reading and supporting you all!!
<3

Just a quickie

Well... I did not gain so that is good. I ate like 800 calories and only worked off about 500 of that. It may sound fine but it was all crappy food mostly. like pizza and cake and stuff. so pretty fatty. but i stayed the same so that is good. 
I will post more later... and maybe some thinspo too. i am getting a massage and facial today. it was a gift for my bridal shower that i just never had time for until now. 
I'm watching last night's jay leno right now. so funny :-D

Frenzy Friday

My fridays are always the busiest. I have work 8-12 then school then a meeting at school then take care of my dog then go to brother's football game then maybe a party.


like i said... my posts this week WILL be happy!! I am looking at my busy day with a smile! Busy means less time. Less time means less time for food. Less time for food means I will eat less. Eating less means I will be skinny!!


Measurements:
Bust: 32
Waist: 22.75 (ugh. up .25)
Hips: 30.5 (down .5)
Butt: 33.5 (down 0.5)
Thigh: 17.75 (how? down 0.25)
Calf: 13.25 (down 0.25)


Working out has not made my weight go down so i am now trusting the numbers on my measuring tape instead. my hips and butt are finally starting to get a little smaller! yay! 
i think maybe if i keep working out a lot and not eating toooo much i will eventually lose weight again. i just can't get discouraged. and i will now have this icky fat. i will have bones and skin and muscles. no cellulite. no fat. i will be skinny!!


LOVE YOU ALL!!

Just do it

So some of you read my last post. I deleted it. I don't know why I felt so bad but I feel much better now after working out. I will update my intake for the day in a little bit but i need to take the dog for a walk here shortly. 
I have not lost weight. all of this exercising is making me stay the same but look skinnier... my measurements are going down ever so slightly but i weigh the same. blah. stupid muscles. 
exercising just makes me "feel" so much better. like i have more energy even if the scale says otherwise.
sorry for that rambling. 
i went to the grocery store just now... at 8:30 ish. I was hoping to avoid all people that look at me weird looking at all the labels before i buy. only buying healthy food. this random guy comes up to me while i am contemplating getting the diet swiss miss that Jane Pansy had mentioned the other day. He goes "you are too skinny" "much too skinny to be worrying about diet" and he just went on and on until i put the diet swiss miss down. it was so awkward. i didn't even know the guy. he was probably in his 40s i think. so awkward and i probably went red as a tomato.

Good Morning my lovely ladies!!

Today is day two of the TSS diet for me. Calories: stay under 500. 
I am so ready for fall. And I just keep saying that... I just looked at the 10-day forecast... still no highs under 82 :-(
But I will not let that get me down! I am wearing some cute shorts from Miss Selfridge that I got like years ago and they are actually loose on me. Score! My top is pretty cute too. It is a light pink with some lace on top. little brown flats. i need to get a jacket or something that matches brown stuff... oh and brown tights too. this outfit would be adorable with brown tights! 
time seems to be going slow right now for some reason. i am not sure if that is good or bad. i slept pretty good last night. and i let myself sleep in 30 minutes later. my sleep patterns are slowly getting better. the dreams are coming back though which means i am eating way too much. i only get the dreams when i eat. 
i started writing a book last time my hubby was deployed. it's pretty trippy. its like a story that tries to connect the crazy dreams i have. the oddest one: i dreamt that the skin on my foot was falling off and i had to try and keep it on. it was so creepy. 
on a different note... i am becoming addicted to coffee. 
Thinspo!!

You are all so lovely!!

Firstly... I cannot believe I have 56 followers!! that is truly amazing and astounding! I apologize if I have not followed you back but every time you comment I go read your blog :-) It is hard to keep up with so many blogs! I do my best with the time I have.

 Now... On to the rest of my post for today. You are really all very lovely and I am very grateful with all of your comments on my last post!! They made my day today absolutely wonderfully happy! 


I have gone into crazy exercise mode yesterday and today... I have been exercising so that every calorie I consume, I must burn it back off. I ate more than I wanted to today. But I have worked it all off. So I do not know what the scale will say tomorrow. Also... I think I have grown half an inch. weird right? To grow at 21... almost 22. But yes. I am 5'5.5'' 
I can run for two straight miles now. And I probably could have gone more if my dog wasn't worn out. 5k is like 3 miles right? 
Sorry for the short post... Not a whole lot to say but here is some thinspo!! :-D

<3

MY WONDERFUL NEW HAIRCUT!!

I am actually very happy with my new hair!! I think it somehow makes me face look thinner! :-)

i think i see ribs on my chest maybe?! in a photo?!

i love these shoes! they are so happy!! it's hard to see but they are like a light blue with flowers on them :-D

LOVE YOU ALL!! I am in a spectacular mood!!

<3

So I am getting my hair cut in a couple hours!

I am pretty excited and nervous at the same time!! I haven't had a hair cut since January! Crazy. but they are just too expensive... I am getting my bangs (fringe) put back in! I will maybe post pics if it looks good enough. Sort of like this:

Except my hair is longer... Like I don't want them too thick or too short or too long. 


I just ate half a peach and I am covered in peach juice haha but it was delicious!! 


<3

Thinspo Tuesday!

I want to make this a happy post. And so I will. 
I am sipping on my delicious coffee and picking at my oatmeal with splenda and blueberries. I took my vitamins. I am ready for a good day. I already took the dog for a nice long walk. 
Yesterday I planned on posting some thinspo and then I just didn't. So I got it for today. 
Thank you girls for the lovely fasting comments and tips! It seems I have been fasting for 24 hours once a week. Usually Mondays. My longest ever fast was 72 hours. And I have no idea how I did that? I will not post my weight on here until I am below where I had left off at 110. I am on my way but this weekend pretty much shot my progress. HopefullyI will be back by the end of the week. I think I can do it. But I need to stay focused and positive! I will make sure all of my posts this week are happy and motivating! 
I am in a great mood and I even enjoyed doing my french homework this morning! It is only 15 days until Fleet Foxes and I need to be at least 109. I WILL make it! 

<3

I made it 24 hours...

I guess it is better than nothing... Maybe next time i will make it more than 24 hours. At 4pm I was feeling really weird and light headed and awful and so I drank a big glass of water and told my self to stick it out for 30 more minutes to make at least 24 hours. I still felt like really bad so I ate. I hate some strawberries and still felt bad 30 minutes after that. I wanted something sugary and sweet. So I had a cookie! Awful! But I did feel better. I waited an hour. Started feeling bad again... So I had a protein shake and then went to the gym. 
The total calories for the day are: 470
My calories expenditure: -680
Net: -270

I won't fast tomorrow... I just won't eat so much. I feel better now. 
I am glad I went to the gym. I need to exercise more. I am doing a 5k at the end of October and I want to run the whole time. I do not want to be the last one to the finish line. It is a charity run so it is for a good cause :-) It's for down syndrome. 


Stay Stronger than me girls!!


Lots of Love!
<3

Fasting

I am so glad you ladies are going to fast with me! There are five of us that responded :-) 


I started my fast yesterday at 4:30pm and I will be going until Wednesday morning hopefully. I am starting my day with a nice cup of coffee and then I have some school work to catch up on. I think I will try to comment on this post every so often to update my fasting status. I haven't fasted more than 24 hours in a very long time so I need to stay focused and motivated. We will do this together and be super skinny super soon!! 


I hope you all had wonderful weekends!! I will try to read and comment on all of the blogs that I missed these past two days but I may not get to all of them. 
I will be posting a thinspo post later today of all new pics.


Let's be the skinny girl everyone wants to be! 
<3

sorry

the challenge did not go well. ate a shit load. purged. feel gross. sorry... i will be fasting monday and tuesday to fix the damage.
anyone want to join me??


welcome new followers!! I really am better than this... I can fix it.


Starting the purge-free life monday too. i know i will be purging tomorrow... more food coming my way. blegh.


mondays post will be better.
stay stronger than me!!
<3

Wish me luck!

So I stayed the same weight. I caved and had some m&ms last night and popcorn. Oh well.


I am wearing this today I think. Maybe tomorrow. Oh and I added a long pearl necklace.

not sure how to flip it...

love you all!! have a wonderful weekend!!

A good day for a day out

I am proud of myself for eating well while eating out. 
Breakfast: coffee and oatmeal: 120
Lunch: some pita with hummus, tzatziki, salad, tabouleh (no couscous): 175 
Dinner: i am about to make a big veggie only salad for 85 cals max
TOTAL: 380

Skinny girls on the street

So... Lunch was at that mediterranean place. I met my best friend there who I hadn't really seen in a week... and I swear she lost weight too. I mean last time we went drinking she asked me how to get rid of the fat on her thighs and I was drunk and blurted out "I just don't eat" and I kind of think maybe she listened? not sure but the loss was definitely noticeable. we are the same height and i think she ways the same as me now. we are like pale twins except she had more freckles and dark hair. ok sorry for the ramble but I couldn't get myself the courage to ask her about it because i didn't want to talk about mine... 
Maybe i will ask her next time i see her... she is watching my dog this weekend so i need to make sure i remember to erase my internet history... 


To all of you lovelies you comment on this blog!! I never could have imagined I would get so many comments! I hope I manage to comment back! I really try! I know how much the comments mean to us! We need to stay strong and skinny! And we WILL help each other out! 
I love you all!!!
<3