you're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black

listened to that bright eyes song a few days ago. i want to look skinny like a model...


I AM 120.2!!!! Only 0.2 from that first goal!!! Yay!!! 


OMG!! I am having trouble sitting still now and forget about sleep.... i'm all jittery and i just can't do anything about it. (in regards to hubby coming home!)


odd note: somehow my ribs show and my hipbones too... how does that happen when i am this fat? 
Bust: 33.5 (down 0.5)
Waist: 23.75 (down 0.25)
Hips: 32 (no change)
Butt: 35 (down 1.5!!)
Thighs: 20.5 at top, 19.25 in the middle, 16 right above knee (down 1.0 on top and 0.25 in middle)
Calves: 14 at widest point... (no change)


3.5 inches for 3 pounds lost.... Is that normal? 


My tiniest waist was 22 inches. I want that back :-)
Ok enough for now... 


Love you allll!!!!!!
<3

Good morning miss motivation!

Lately it has been tough keeping motivation more than a day or two! let's keep it going!
Weigh-in this morning: 121 even. 
I am continuing the weigh-in game sort of... i have school here soon... got to leave in like 10 minutes. so i will weigh-in when i get home and then every few hours. I am still super motivated and determined!!!
i have made a big pot of coffee for the morning at school and i will bring a protein shake for lunch (160) and an apple for breakfast (60). But those are only if I start shaking or something. I am truly not hungry... well the stomach says i am but my brain says no.
6 days!!!! ahhhh!!! It is just so freaking exciting!!!!
If I lose a pound a day: I will be 116. Pretty nice. I was 118 when he left... 
ok ladies! enough rambling!
Let's have a super wonderful spectacular motivating day!!!!
<3

ok girlies. i am determined.

not sure on my weight for the moment. but i am determined to drop a few pounds by sunday. what do you girls think is the most i can lose? 


my big losses: 15 pounds in 4 weeks last august
                        14 pounds in 3 weeks 5 years ago


I want to make a new record. 5 pounds in 6 days? Think I can do it? 


Last night was interesting. Got drunk with my sisters. Fun times. Lots of drinking and dancing. The bad part: in-laws made me go to mexican for lunch yesterday. 
Anyways... i didn't start feeling the hangover until about 2 hours ago. I spent all morning being super productive. I finished one big assignment, then homework in three other classes. Then about 2 hours ago i starting shaking uncontrollably.... kinda weird. i'm still a little shaky but its better.
while lying in bed feeling like shit i realized a few things:

1. I DO NOT WANT TO BE FAT WHEN THE HUBBY RETURNS
2. I AM NEVER GOING TO BEAT THIS DISORDER OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT
3. I HAVE THE MOST STRANGEST DREAMS EVER
4. I CAN HAVE WLL POWER WHEN I WANT TO
5. I NEED WILL POWER NOW

So I WILL lose as many pounds and inches as possible. I deleted all of the photos of me at 110 but i printed one out. it is hard to believe i got to 110 and couldn't touch my thighs together unless i crossed them. so i am determined to get to 110 again and i will be there as soon as is humanly possible.

ever play the weigh-in game? it goes like this: weigh yourself. then keep weighing yourself every hour or so until you see the number you want. that is how i got to 110 and it is how i will get there again. 

when i was at 113 i told myself i wouldn't put anything in me until i saw 110 on the scale. it worked.

ok so i have weighed myself just now: 122.4 at 5:53. Not food or drink until I see 121. Then I can have a glass of water.

We will see how it goes. I am in crazy weight loss mode now. 

Love you all!!! Time to comment! I am feeling super motivated!

<3


p.s. - last night's crazy dream: i was walking in some airport and saw russell brand who had a boy friend and the boyfriend was pregnant! then russell tells his pregnant boyfriend to go hit on some 40 year old guy to freak him out. it was hilarious! where do i come up with these things?

Get Organized!

I always feel better when I am organized. I sleep better even with less sleep. My head is clearer. I am more focused. 
I only had 5 hours of sleep last night but i feel incredibly rested and i think its because i spent all night organizing and getting stuff done. 


i don't remember any dreams either. which is a blessing sometimes.


today's weight: 120.8! (which i am happy about because i made it below 121)


I really want to be 118 when the hubby comes home. It is do able. So since sunday i lost 3.6 pounds. If I lose another 3.6 I would be 117.2... wouldn't that be nice :-)


My intakes have been under 1000 each day. No heavy exercise. Just walking and crunches.


I have a lot to do this weekend to get ready for his homecoming! Last weekend before he is here! It is hard to believe sometimes!!


Ok well I have to go to class now... linear algebra... i hate matrices! and professors with heavy accents!!


love you all!!!!
i hope and plan to read and comment you girlies tonight!


<3

Some Thinspo...

Been watching a lot of burn notice! love gabrielle anwar!!!! so skinny and so bad ass!!

Evening lovelies!

Another day down.
Still 121. Yesterday was 121.8. today is 121.2.
Let's hope for 120 tomorrow!!!


I wish I could just make the time go faster! Time is really a frustrating constraint... 


At least the weather is being nice. Sunny and in the 60s. Quite lovely. 


I really should be doing my french homework... i have to write about my family. shouldn't be too hard. just got to actually make myself do it... i will probably do it tomorrow morning. 


wish i had the motivation and will power to eat less but gosh i just dont. 
Today:
Breakfast: banana : 70
Snack: granola bar: 110
Lunch: protein shake: 160
Snack: apple and crackers: 180
Dinner: pork chop, salad and potatoes: 260
TOTAL: 780
Walked around campus all day in heels... And sat through lectures. Oh and toured this charter school for one of my classes.... weird. interesting but weird. felt like the kids were all part of some experiment. 


guess its not much of a positive post but i am just too tired. and i am trying to make the time go by.... writing helps.
last night's dream: i was living in france and it flooded so i had to rescue everyone from the human eating crocodiles before the ryan gosling movie started at the movie theater. quite strange... but any dream with ryan gosling is a good one!


happy days are around the corner!!!
thinspo searching now!!
<3
love you all

Hey ladies!!

I'm not going to lie... My time on here will probably be pretty sporadic for quite some time. I am still at 121. 


School is crazy busy. I am taking 18 credits divided up into 7 classes! It's a lot but its my last semester of classes so its all good and almost over.


the hubby comes home reallllly soon. less than two weeks. i keep getting waves of utter excitement and then utter depression. its quite odd. im not like manic depressive usually but its been like that the past two weeks now. like one minute i will be on top of the world and cant stop smiling and just itching to like burst! and then the next minute i will be like so depressed thinking i might start cutting again. it is a strange feeling indeed! oh it has also got my head acting weird sometimes too. i fell asleep in the doctor's office yesterday! i had gone in friday for a TB shot thing and then my follow up was yesterday and i fell asleep in the chair in the little room. i seem to get very tired sometimes and just fall asleep. 
at nights i have been taking some pills to make me dreamy and sleepy.


oh did i tell you about the dream i had where i was kidnapped by the kgb and was forced to watch people i knew get murdered? that was freaky.


doing my own version of the special k challenge. its like sort of the same but i make sure that my cal intake is like a lot less... it just gives me a structure i suppose. makes me eat regularly so i dont over eat. its working. i was back up to 124 on sunday and i am 121 again now. just goes to show how quick the not eating thing works sometimes. that crazy gym going me was not working.... this is easier. just dont eat. simple. im at about 700 cals now and incredibly full. 


tomorrow i have school from 8 until 6:15! its long but keeps me busy! i wish the time would go faster so the hubby can be home and my emotions can go back to normal!!


love you all so much!!!!
<3

Stupid, Stupid

Did not step on the scale today. Had a little binge yesterday... well not like a real binge... I ate normal and so that made me mad and so i took my laxative tea and then another cup. I was up all night with it so I am exhausted today. Good thing classes don't start till 1:30 today. 
Anyway... so I am too tired to work out at the gym. I am working on cleaning the house instead and taking the dog for a few short walks this morning. I did burn a lot of calories at the gym (over 700) but with the calories I ate (probably like 2000... I really don't know and counting it will just get me down....) its no where near enough to lose today so hopefully today will be better.


So school starts at 1:30 and then I volunteer from 4:20 until 6. My sisters are coming over for dinner tonight. I am making this thin crust pizza I think... It's like a healthy kind of pizza but tastes great. So that's around 7 or 7:30...


It will be a good day and I am determined! I will half of the serving size of the pizza (1/3 of the pizza is 300 calories... so If I eat a 1/6 size slice then thats just 150 :-) Then add a salad... It will be a good dinner.


Sorry today is not all motivating and cheerful... I think the house not being clean was stressing me out and so once its clean everything should be better :-)


Love you all!!!!
<3

School Starts

I finally got some progress. 121 even. So 0.2 down. I am just happy to see some progress even if it is tiny. 


Today is the first day of spring classes. And I only have class today from 8:05-11:05. Its early but then I am done early too which is nice. 


So after class I will come home and take care of the dog, change and go to the gym. I also was planning on going to the grocery store sometime today. I am running out of cereal and soy milk. I also want a more low cal cereal... 


Not much else is new... The game was good last night! My school won which is good! But my cousin's team lost... it was so fun though to be so close to the court and then get to go back in the stadium and see him after the game! I'm so proud! 


Well it is 6:40 am and I am exhausted! I need to drink some coffee and wake up. I really just want to go back to sleep...


Love you all!!!
<3

Morning morning!

Weigh - in: still 121.4! Oh well. I didn't go to the gym yesterday because I was just too busy and couldn't find enough time. So staying 121.4 is actually good. 
My in-laws puppy is soooo cute!!!!! 
I decided yesterday that I needed to give my muscles a little break. 
Back to the gym today though!


The Numbers:
Breakfast: cereal and soy milk : 170
Lunch: maybe a chicken salad : 120
Dinner: could be none... maybe a beer? 150?
Exercise: -770
Potential total: -330


I am going to my first school game today! crazy... i am a senior and haven't made it to one! And we have a good team supposedly... the real reason im going? My cousin plays on the other team! It will be so fun though! I'm looking forward to it! 


Thank you ladies for all of your comments on the last post!! I don't have time now but this afternoon before the game I should be able to read and comment your blogs! 


Ok I need to go drink a huge glass of water!!! My head is getting loopy.


Love you all!!!
<3

Wine and popcorn

I am still 121.2 even after all the crazy exercising yesterday. The culprit? Wine and popcorn. Everything was great until I went out to the wine bar with a couple girl friends and had some delicious wine. We didnt have food there which was good but wine has calories. Then I got home and for some odd reason I was craving popcorn so I had a bad of 94% fat free 100 calorie pack. which would be fine. Then I had another bag. Gosh I couldn't believe it when I woke up. Stupid me. 
At least I didn't gain I suppose. 
Today will be better. 
Work 9-1
Go pick up my books for the semester
Go to the gym for a long time!
Take care of the dog
No partying tonight. I can't afford it. I want to be 120 on monday when school starts if i can.


How did you all do? I don't have time to comment right now but I will later this afternoon. My late afternoon evening is all free. (sad on a saturday but its my choice.... there are parties next week i cant miss so this one will be fine)


maybe thinspo later today too... we will see. I have reading to do for french when i get my books.
love you alllll!!!!!!!!


<3
stay string and think thin!!!!

Good Start to a long day

Weigh in: 121.2 which is .2 less than yesterday. A loss is a loss right?


The numbers: 
Breakfast: cereal with soy milk : 170
Lunch: tba : probably a fiber one bar
Dinner: no idea, hopefully light
Exercise: -725!!!
Total so far: -555


I spent about an hour at the gym working out as hard as I could so I can enjoy the rest of my long day :-)
I am going to tidy up the apartment before work and get it looking better than it does now...
Then I work 12-6
Got to take the dog to the dog park since I will be gone so long... Not sure what I am doing tonight though. i really want to see that movie the girl with the dragon tattoo! I am reading the second book in the series now and it is hard to put down! it keeps me going at the gym without thinking about it.
this semester all of my friends have different schedules... none of us have the same days off. it sucks. but the hubby will be home soon! i know i keep saying that... i am just so excited!!
so for the 100 followers i will do the bio thing as Ell suggested and i think i will put it on a separate page on this blog. 


Not much else to say today... 


Love you all!!! Have a spectacular day!!!
<3

Shaky shaky

The numbers: 
Calorie Intake: 520
Exercise: -650
Total : -130


Somehow I still feel awfully fat? Why are people at the gym always so much skinnier than me? I swear all the girls there were just twigs! 
I'm sipping on laxative tea as I write this hoping it might make me feel better?
I think I want to cut out salt from my diet. Like completely. Is that possible? I hear that salt can make you puffier than you are.


I got a compliment today saying my butt looked smaller. I measured. Smaller by half an inch.


I feel like with a net calorie thing of -130 I should feel good. I should feel thinner. But I just have this feeling that it's not enough you know? Like I will wake up tomorrow and somehow I will weigh more. Which is entirely possible I suppose. I have no idea how my body functions really. Like I understand mathematically but in reality it's not the same.


Only about 4 weeks left until the hubby comes home. If I can lose 10 pounds I can be 111.4 when he gets back. 
10 pounds in four weeks. That is 2.5 pounds a week. I know it is possible. I really want to do it. And if I am still muscly then 111.4 would look like less than it is. 
I think if I keep working out like I am and eating a little less that I can make it. At 112 I will be underweight technically. I feel like my frame is small enough that it would really be less. Who knows.


Odd post sorry followers... I seem to just right exactly what I am thinking. I often ramble.
Miranda Kerr VS Model : Skinny and Boobs!

Love you all!!!
<3

So Skinny

I want to be so skinny that my legs look like they will break when I walk. 


So yesterday I was 122... gross. Today I am back to 121.4 despite the awful burger I ate. I guess the exercise paid off.


The numbers:
Breakfast: cereal with soy milk : 170
Lunch: tba but probably none. maybe a fiber one
Dinner: tba but probably soup
Exercise: none yet but I will go to the gym this evening after work


I wish I knew how much of me was fat and how much muscle...
The gap between my legs is coming back which means I must be turning my fat into muscle otherwise I would weigh less


I am contemplating showering... Do you ever just not want to get in the shower? I hate the cold feeling afterwards. Plus if I go to the gym this evening I will shower after that.
I work 12-4. Then I need to go to the bank and deposit my paycheck and some christmas checks.
Gym will be after I get home and take care of the dog. If I play it right, I can skip both lunch and dinner. Just eat a fiber one bar if i feel weak before the gym.


So this is the only way I know how to lose weight. Nothing else works. From october to december I tried to lose weight healthily but somehow that made me 126 on boxing day. 


I think I am going to do some ab workout stuff and then read. I only have until monday before school starts.... I will read blogs first.
And I think I will try and do something special when I get 100 followers... I don't know what but if you have any ideas let me know. 
I want to post progress pics when I get to 118. Then 115. Then 112 and then 109. 
Love you all!!
<3

Make up

Thank you ascendancy and skinntobsession9 for the advice :-)
I will drink some more water. I couldn't just stay put though... I ended up going back to the gym tonight for another hour. 
Total exercise: -1107
Total Intake: somewhere around 785
Total: -322

Even after all that working out i kinda still feel icky. i am ready for tomorrow!!! It is time for sleep now. Please be nice to me in the morning scale... 
Going to watch an episode of gossip girl before i doze off.
I will catch up on your blogs tomorrow morning when I hopefully feel less of a fatty. stupid burger... 
Love! 
<3


P.S. - got to stop purging... 

Ate a burger

The numbers:
Breakfast: cereal and soy milk : 150
Lunch: burger with goat cheese : 400! how awful! I really don't know how much it was... but i ate it no bun and no fries.... but so awful!
Dinner: tba but hopefully nothing!
Exercise: 607
Total:  -57


I can't believe I ate the whole fucking burger! seriously? My stomach is feeling terrible right now!! So much fat and so much beef. I feel sick. Unfortunately I waited to long to throw it up... I might try though. Ugh! 
I will post more when I feel better.


Hope you all are doing better than me today!!
<3


Later:
ok i managed to purge some but had to stop because i was coughing up blood.
about to drink some laxative tea. i just want this out of me.
don't have enough time to go to the gym again before i go tutor this kid. 
and my family is having Galette de Roi tonight.... I can't refuse because it is a big family tradition and last year we missed it. 
I will just eat a tiny piece hopefully and then rush home and purge if i can. i don't know. i dont want to cough up blood again. stupid cold weather making my throat dry.
well i need to prepare for tutoring....


please be better than me!

Jasmin tea and gossip girl :-)

The numbers:
Breakfast: none
Lunch: small bowl of pasta with parmesan and an apple: 215 not sure, could be less
Dinner: veggie salad (45) and light chicken noodle soup (75) : 120
Exercise: yoga power flow and stair master: 600 or more... 
Total: -265
Surprisingly I feel incredibly full right now! 


I have been sort of shaky today since I have been working out a ton and eating less. But I am not hungry... or if I am it is not registering really. My muscles are so sore but I love it. It makes me feel like I really am changing and it makes me happy. Tomorrow I will be doing the bike or treadmill at the gym. 
When my eating disorder was at its highest I would spend 4 to 6 hours at the gym.... from the cardio machines to the weight machines to the pool to the steam room and I would just keep going. I was addicted to it. I don't want to get that bad again.... but 2 hours seems to be a good amount of time I think. 
Went to the grocery store and got: a ton of fresh veggies and apples, some chicken breasts, coffee, cereal and fiberone bars. Oh and soy milk and some sugar free fat free yogurts.






Be the  best version of you!!
<3
Taylor Momsen! Her legs just go on forever!!!!

Finally paying off

Stepped on the scale and to my wonderful surprise I saw 121.4 smiling back at me! It has been a long struggle coming back to losing but I am starting to win those battles and I will get to my goal again! 
A little Emma Stone!! She is so skinny now and so hot! 5'6'' and 108 lbs, BMI: 17.4

I have power flow yoga or something like that at 9:30 and then I need to run a few errands. I am planning on getting a start on the 5 page paper due on monday... I also volunteer this evening i think. But I may wait till next week... 
Talked to my hubby last night! Finally! His calls have been more sporadic lately but he will be home early next month! and then he gets like a month and a half off! I can't wait!
I also need to be 115 or less when he gets back.
In August I lost 15 pounds in 4 weeks. 125 down to 110. I would love to be 105 when he gets back and look super hot when he gets off that bus :-) 
He has gotten in such good shape on the deployment... he runs 6-8 miles a few times a week, lifts 225 and squats 315 and he just weighs 160 at 5'11''
So I have to be amazing when he gets back! I think after yoga my friend and i will do the elliptical and maybe the rowing machine too. 
Sorry for the ramble.....
Yesterday's points: 9
Calorie intake: 445
Exercise: -500
Total: -55


<3

Ana's Diet Game

I want this tattoo! Salvador Dali's elephant!
Breakfast: Oatmeal, fruit or cereal
Lunch: soup or salad
Dinner: lean protein and half bread serving, veggies


Exercise: at least 30 minutes per day and at least 4 times per week at the gym for an hour and a half


Snacks: only fruits or veggies
Drinks: coffee, tea, sf red bull


Point system:
2 points if diet plan followed
1 point per 30 minutes of exercising
1/2 point per veggie serving
lose a point if you do not follow the diet plan
1 point for 6-8 hours of sleep
2 points for every whole pound lost


Rewards system: 
redeem 30 points for a mini shopping spree ($10)
redeem 80 points buy a new pair of shoes
redeem 100 points for a new dress
more to come...


This is the game so far! And my new year's resolution! Lose 20 pounds, workout a ton, keep off the weight and do not get in fights! :-)


:-)


Today's points:
6 points as of 6pm
6 total points


*****
Later:
Breakfast: cereal and soy milk : 200 max
Lunch: Soup : 100
Dinner: Salad and tiny slice of beef : 150
Exercise: 500
Total: -50
Pretty good! 
Let's be hopeful on the scale tomorrow!! I will weigh in the morning before I eat and go to the gym so it is more accurate.
Love all!!
<3

Tired and Sore! Great day

Just got back from the gym and showered. Weighed in at 123.4 right before I showered. That is after breakfast and water chugging :-) 
Measurements:
Waist: 24
Hips: 32
Butt: 35.5
Thigh: 19.25
Calf: 14 (ugh... why did i inherit these massive calf muscles?)
Bust: 33


These are huge compared to Sept. 1st... 
Waist: 22.5
Hips: 31
Butt: 34
Thigh: 18


I will get back there! Gym yesterday: elliptical and treadmill: 500 cals
Gym today: bike, stair master, elliptical, leg and ab workout: about 500 i think
Tomorrow is a yoga flow workout and then stair master and rowing machine


How is everyone doing? I am going to read a few blog posts then tidy up and then go to the grocery store.
Breakfast: protein and fiber cereal and light soy milk : 200 max
Lunch: probably a salad or soup
Dinner: no idea... hopefully healthy (at my parents house)
I made them cordon bleu and creme brûlée yesterday! with green beans and roasted potatoes. I love to cook... Any ideas for a secretly low cal dinner i could make?


Love! <3 

Long overdue thinspo!!

Still the same weight but more motivated!

So I the year has been all over the place. Ups, downs, this way and that way. I am ready for this year to be great! My hubby was gone  most of last year and this year he will be home most of the year. That will make things great!

I am still the same weight as the last posts... But I am definitely more motivated. Aren't we all with the new year? I have been to the gym a lot more and even though the weight is going away yet, i know it will soon! I just have to keep focused. One month from today I need to be 115. 
If August is any indicator... I know I can do it. I went from 125 to 110 from August 1st to September 1st. I just need to do that again. And then keep it that way. This time I do not want to purge at all. I just want to eat better and exercise more. So thats why I am focusing on 115. So that means 7.4 pounds in 30 days. That is easily do-able. I will be going to the grocery store tomorrow:
SF Red Bull and Coffee (I usually crave one or the other... love them both)
Apples, Celery, Lettuce, other fruits and veggies
Soups
Cereal, oatmeal


I have been away from my apartment from before Christmas until today so sorry for the sporadic posting... I was posting from my phone which is sort of annoying... 
I will definitely be back for this month and then we will see what happens when my hubby comes home. :-)
Off to collect some new thinspo!!!!
<3
Happy New Year everyone!!!!!