It had all started when my parents decided to move us again. I had been in France for two years at a French school where I spoke no french. Then we moved to England and I spent Years 10, 11 and 12 there. After Easter in Year 12 my parents decide to move us back to the states. There were only 4 weeks of school left where we moved so I didn't have time to make many or any good friends. My summer was not looking good. (I had started my eating problems back in france the second year and they just escalated until i got to 107 in year 11. then i started purging and couldn't keep the weight off. i stuck around 115. the cutting started in year 11 as well.) So I had no friends. All I had was a crappy job and lots of time to do nothing. I starting planning my suicide. I had kept a journal of pretty much all of my crazy thoughts and ideas. At the end of the summer I went back to England for a week to spend time with my friends. Everything was great. I had my little pill box of codeine and sleeping pills and I was planning on ending my lousy life one of the last days I was there. And I almost did. We were at a party and I had been drinking and I felt it was time so I went upstairs and got the pills and took them. Then I sat at the top of the stairs just watching everyone and waiting. One of my friends found me though and forced me to throw everything up. Failed attempt.
My folks never found out about that but they just started noticing the cuts. I had been so ready to end things I had given up on trying to hide them. So they sent me to the hospital about 2 weeks after that attempt.
Anyways... yesterday I found my journal and stupid me I decided to read it. I admit that some of things I wrote in there like the poetry is pretty awesome but it just put me in a weird mood and so I binged and purged. Twice.
I am 112.2 today. Not as bad as I had thought but still.
Thanks for your comments girlies! They mean a lot to me!!
Stay strong!!!!
<3
I hate when I find things from my past like that. I think I've thrown it all away. But there still might be some stuff floating around that I have yet to find. It's such a weird feeling finding things and reading them. I hope you don't end up feeling that bad again.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be 112 :( my binging has been terrible lately, we can get through this together though!
ReplyDeleteI throw old stuff away too. I can't handle it. I think I burned all my journals. I don't want to know what kind of crazy suicidal shit I was thinking. Maybe consider getting rid of yours? I hope you feel better! xo
ReplyDeleteI'd love to see a picture of you! I was scared to at first, I had to edit my last post because I forgot to cross out my tattoo :$ oops! Do you have any posts with pictures?
ReplyDelete